There's a lot to love about springtime in Oklahoma. The weather warms up enough so you can enjoy the sun and 20 mph wind on a patio. It's fun to bring the whole family to the Festival of the Arts and enjoy paintings of dogs in martini glasses while you're waiting for the torrential rain to end. There's the excitement of hearing the first tornado siren of the year that isn't at noon on Saturday.
And don't forget how beautiful it looks. Lawns spurt bright green crabgrass and clover, and the ragged limbs of trees harried by the previous winter's ice storms begin to bud again. But there are some downsides to the flora here, and the biggest one of all is the accursed Bradford Pear tree.
The name of the tree is a mystery, as it bears no tasty fruit, nor has it ever been a quarterback traded to the Minnesota Vikings for a first-round draft pick. What is known about it, however, is that it's the worst tree in the world, and a plague upon Oklahoma. We've always known they were trash, and now we have science to back us up.
From KFOR:
OKLAHOMA CITY - The Bradford Pear tree looks beautiful but smells terrible, and its scent isn't the only reason people are cursing the greenery.
“It was deemed the perfect tree. I mean, it's beautiful in the spring, because it has the flowers and it's contained. It can grow about anywhere in Oklahoma, and then in the fall it has really great colors,” said Mark Bays, urban forestry coordinator for OK Forestry Services.
[...] They're also on a watch list for invasive plants in Oklahoma.That's because, in the last 10 years, the Department of Agriculture started seeing problems with it spreading past its boundaries.
“If you have all of these Bradford Pears growing in close proximity to where other native trees are, they start taking from those resources that those native trees need - water in the soil, nutrients in the soil and then they can start crowding out the other trees that naturally should be there,” Bays said.
Look at those freeloaders! It's like that hippie friend that you let crash on your couch for a week while they got their shit together, and then stayed for months and ate all your groceries and never paid any bills. Get a job, Bradford Pears, ya damn bums!
Plus, their tight-knit branches can cause damage to homes and vehicles during an ice storm.
“That ice load accumulates on all of the branches, and all of those branches are connected right at the very central part in the tree and they just completely self-destruct,” Bays said.
“I was happy to see that any kind of ice storm will take down a Bradford Pear because I sometimes fantasize about going around and cutting down all of the Bradford Pears I can find,” said Christine Eddington.
Eddington said she hates the Bradford Pear tree because they give her debilitating allergies.
"When the Bradford Pears start blooming, I start feeling sick unless I use massive precautions. I don't even run outside when the Bradford Pears are blooming," she said.
I like the cut of this Christine Eddington's jib. We could form a Bradford Pear Removal Task Force and cruise around the city in a giant truck, chopping down all of those gross trees and then take them all to a ceremonial burning in the middle of nowhere.
Seriously, screw those trees. Let's look at the pros and cons of Bradford Pears:
Pro:
-Pretty blossoms for about two weeks of the year
Con:
-Smells like rotten fish & cum
-Wreaks suffering and misery on allergies
-Mooches off other better and cooler trees
-Destroys windshields during ice storms
-Dumb name
Oklahomans don't always see eye to eye, but we should all band together and get rid of all of these crappy trees before they take over the landscape.
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Originally published in 2017
