Charge up the Rascal scooter, tidy up the mullet, and drop the teeth in the Polident – the Oklahoma State Fair is in town!
The theme for this year’s big extravaganza is “Let’s Go Again!,” which I assume is targeted toward people who survived their first trip to the fair or simply want one more buttered ear of corn for the ride home.
From the kid saying he wants “to eat an entire cinnamon roll” to the mom who wants to throw her child “on the Ferris wheel” to the man who says the first place he goes “is the livestock barn,” that may be the first State Fair commercial that warrants a DHS investigation!
It makes me think it’s probably time for the fair to bring back the old commercial jingle from the 1980s and 1990s. You know, the one we all remember from back when the State Fair was actually kind of cool, not a sterile enterprise, and actually went out of its way to target and appeal to its real demographic:
Anyway, to keep people coming back to the fair, organizers have unveiled a ton of new rides, activities, attractions, and even food items to keep folks entertained and, apparently, increase their chances of dying at the fair.
As a result, I thought I’d help spread the word by sharing “7 New Ways to Die at the Oklahoma State Fair.”
1. Fall off The Kraken…
Each year, the fair unveils several new thrill rides. The one stealing headlines this year is something called The Kraken:
Not to be a Greyjoy buzzkill here, but if you trust giant carnival rides with lots of moving parts that were assembled in a parking lot after traveling hundreds of miles across an interstate and, for added measure, are staffed by a guy still deciding whether or not to pursue his GED, all power to you. You're way braver than I’ll ever be.
That being said, don’t be surprised if your name is etched into a stone monument someday to commemorate and honor those who took The Kraken’s final ride.
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2. Get hit in the head by a Das Boot at OK!toberfest…
Located in the Bennet Event Center, OK!toberfest brings the magic of a German Oktoberfest to the sad pavement of the State Fair. That makes sense. If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that we really need a new spot for people to engage in energetic, drunken revelry, especially one where they can drink out of giant boots that double as weapons, at the fair.
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3. Be frozen to death by over-anxious security at Disney On Ice:
After the attempted heist of wigs belonging to Snow White, Cinderella, and countless other Disney princesses and villains, expect security to be extra tight around Disney on Ice. And with tensions at an all-time high, don’t be shocked if Elsa takes off the gloves and freezes a 4-year-old who gets too aggressive with Olaf.
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4. Suffer a heart attack from eating a Nashville Hot Chicken Donut Sandwich:
As a person who survived judging the State Fair Food Competition in 2017, I know firsthand the toll it can take on a human's health. Since that fateful day, I’ve consumed so many antacids and pills that my friends now call me Patrick the Proton Pump Inhibitor Popper.
Sadly, many fairgoers suffer worse after-effects from eating fair food than chronic heartburn and gastric distress. In fact, according to Dr. Seymour Butts with OSMA, it’s estimated that 500 to 1,000 people die each Fall from eating State Fair food!
Okay, I made that stat up, but it does sound believable.
If you want to be one of those made-up statistics, get a Nashville Hot Chicken Donut Sandwich. It’s a new food item that I believe comes equipped with 4,350 calories, 7,500 grams of sodium, and – for added measure – 150 grams of added sugar. It should do the trick.
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5. Get trampled by a bison…
Once the great creature of the American West, where tens of millions roamed the plains and sustained life for numerous Indigenous peoples and cultures, the great American Bison has now devolved into a state fair sideshow.
Maybe I’m being overly cautious, but you can count me out on experiencing a bison at the fair. Something about a giant 2,000-pound beast being poked and prodded and catcalled by fairfolk has disaster written all over it. I can already see headlines like “Video: Giant Bison Tramples 10 Carnies and Cinnamon Roll Stand at Oklahoma State Fair” going viral across the globe.
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6. Be accosted by a gang of rambunctious teens in the parking lot…
This year, the State Fair has defied over 100 years of Oklahoma tradition and is requiring all fairgoers under 18 years of age to “be accompanied by a parent, legal guardian, or chaperone 25 years of age or older after 5 p.m.”
As a guy who enjoyed his first public drunkenness experience on the State Fair midway as a 17-year-old, this rule brings a tear to my eye.
What also brings a tear to my eye are all the state fairgoers who are going to find themselves accosted, robbed, and kidnapped by bored vagabond gangs of angry teens who were just booted from the fair!
Seriously, I don’t think State Fair leadership thought this one through. They’re basically going to turn the State Fair parking lot – which was already a dangerous enough place – into an apocalyptic scene from The Road.
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7. Be forced to walk the plank by a pirate…
The Oklahoma State Fair may not be the place you’d expect to see a swashbuckling pirate causing trauma and mischief, but, arg!, the State Fair of Oklahoma has always been a different type of place:
First of all, if you’re showing up at the State Fair at the oddly specific time of 4:58 to witness a pirate named “Dan the Man” ride around on a unicycle, it may be time to look into some hobbies and activities or, better yet, find a good therapist!
Second, if you do show up, don’t be surprised if “Dan the Man” forces you landlubbers to walk the plank and dive into a new hot tub filled with crocodiles. Let's be honest – that would be a good way to promote the 1,000 hot tubs the state fair sells each year. Plus, as the blurb says, you never know what this pirate will – or won’t – do.
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Anyway, I'm sure there are plenty of other new ways to die at the Oklahoma State Fair that I missed. Please be sure to share them in the comments.
