I don't ask a lot from Oklahoma Republicans, but if you go to the polls today, will you please please please cast a ballot or two for Luke Holland – the 35-year-old virgin from Bartlesville – for the US Senate?
Don't worry – I probably disagree with Luke on just about every policy and cultural issue out there, so you'll love his politics. It's just out of all the GOP nutjobs running for the seat, I'd love love love love love to cover and lampoon Luke the most, even though he'll probably out-live me.
Based on his campaign ads, can you blame me?
Seriously, if you're a Republican, how can you not vote for Jim Inhofe's grandson for US Senate... or at least the guy Jim Inhofe thinks is his grandson? We need virtuous leaders like Luke who will resist any and all temptation that may distract him from his quest to turn America into a full-fledged conservative Christian theocracy, and give us decades of cheap easy material in the process.
"But Patrick! What about Markwayne, TW Shannon or even God forbid, Nathan Dahm. They're nuts and they'll also give you decades of material."
Yes, they will, but those Derplahomans are just your everyday wannabe macho man conservatives. They're a dime a dozen, and can easily be found in any trailer park, Twin Peaks or meth lab.
Luke is none of that. He has character, boring values, and a face that looks like it was drawn by a demented caricature artist.
Plus, if Luke wins and Lankford retains his seat, Oklahoma will become a Top 10 State for pasty white Senators who would lose to anyone in a fist fight! That will drive the macho Oklahoma male conservatives nuts!
Anyway, polls are open now so do your duty and get out and vote. We'll take a look at everything that happened today tomorrow.