In three weeks or so, simple-minded Oklahoma Evangelical voters will go to the polls to choose which radical right-wing lunatic will be the next fearmongering chode to represent and embarrass our state in the US Senate.
To help voters figure out which candidate best represents their bizarre ideologies and not-reality-based fears and insecurities, News 9 is hosting a debate where candidates can pander to voters' biases and prejudices through the use of distorted political messaging and rhetoric.
Until today, the plan was for the five most well-funded conservative nutjobs – T.W. Shannon, Scott Pruitt, Luke Holland, Nathan Dahm and Markwayne Mullin – to explain their takes on made-up issues like Biden's socialist agenda, the stolen election, Critical Race Theory, and other warped topics the GOP flack machine creates to feeds to its supporters.
Instead of being honest and admitting that he struggles with creating things called "verbs" and "nouns" and has trouble speaking in coherent sentences, Markwayne came up with, not surprisingly, a lie to justify his absence:
Obviously, that's a bullshit excuse. Whether he's going to Afghanistan on cosplay Commando adventures or just staying at home doing burpees in his workout room, Markwayne is always on the lookout for new ways to not go to work. In Markwayne's unsophisticated mind, I guess that's okay since he claims to pay his own salary.
Also, let's be honest, you can't really blame MarkWayne for dodging the debate. He's the polling favorite, so I'm sure the other candidates will team up on him like he's Hulk Hogan in a Royal Rumble. Plus, public speaking has never been Markwayne's strength, so the less stupid shit he has to say the better.
Anyway, if you want to watch the rest of the candidates derp it off, I guess tune in to Channel 9 tonight. Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.