Praise be, my friends!
Oklahoma’s Patron Saint, the Blessed Mother Reba McEntire, recently announced at a concert that she's opening a new “dining and entertainment venue” in Atoka, America, presumably in the old building she had to be rescued from earlier this year.
Reba’s Place is set to be a one-stop-shop for all of the country home cooking, booze, and Reba-inspired retail you could pray for, which begs the question – why's it not called the McEntire Mercantile? They're all the rage right now!
Anyway, I did come crack research about the place so you wouldn't have to. Here are 10 things you’ll probably find in Reba’s Place when it opens next year!
The “Have I Got a Deal for You” Rewards Program
Named after her beloved 9th album, this rewards program offers patrons plenty of prizes for patronizing Reba’s Place. Customers can expect to earn perks such as a half-price “Don’t Forget Your Way Home” Margarita or 10% off merch. Speaking of which, visitors will also find…
–
The General Store
The retail side of Reba’s Place will carry the Blessed Mother’s line of bedazzled cross raglan tees, a stack of concert DVDs dating back to her 2008 “2 Worlds 2 Voices” Tour with Kelly Clarkson, a collection of “Fancy” burlap tote bags, and cheap novelty cowboy hats large enough to be effectively marketed to adult patrons who have been taking advantage of…
-
The “Every Other Weekend” Bloody Mary Specials
You’ll be heartbroken when the glass is empty.
-
Horse Hitching Posts
Of course, this is just meant to be a novelty feature of the parking lot that pays homage to Reba’s rodeo roots. But being that the joint is in Atoka, you know that they’ll actually get some use.
-
“Whoever’s in New England” Clam Chowder
You’ll forget you’re in Atoka with this authentic dish. Just one bite ‘til the world you left behind just disappears and your taste buds are in Boston.
-
“So Good Together” Sides
A nod to her 1999 studio album, it features scrumptious side dishes such as “I’m Not Your Grilled Asparagus” and “What Do You Say-vory Potato Skins.”
-
An Endless Loop of Reba Music Videos
It always plays "Fancy" at the top of the hour to prevent the customers from rioting. Cathy's Clown is also a mainstay.
-
“Somebody’s Chelsea” Buns
It’s what every dessert wants to be: a classic English favorite so good, you’ll never forget them.
-
At Least 3 Autographed Photos of Kevin Bacon
At bare minimum, the establishment will be home to at least 3 autographed pictures of her Tremors co-star; one behind the hostess stand, another displayed on a wall with other notable celebrities who have had the honor and delight of costarring or dueting with the Blessed Mother, and the third larger photo in the ladies’ room for kicks.
-
A Regular Reba Impersonator
Reba is among the most popular drag queen personas, so you know there’s a market for it.
-
If the manager of Reba's Place needs any more great ideas, they can find Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek. Then become a contributing member of TLO here.
