We would like to wish a warm and sweaty congratulations to Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani, who, after a 6-year long courtship, tied the knot last Saturday in an intimate Tishomingo ceremony.
I’d also like to take this opportunity not only to welcome Gwen to what I assume will be her new home state, but also help the poor girl adjust.
Here’s Gwen Stefani’s guide to being an Oklahoma wife!
Take Your Husband’s Last Name, or Else
You had better stop by the Social Security Office you change your last name to “Shelton” before it’s too late and your new extended Oklahoma family starts making passive-aggressive comments at holiday dinners about how confused your future children will be about your different surnames or how feminism is a gateway to Satanism.
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Dress Appropriately
Yes, Gwen was married in cowboy boots and has been photographed in hunting garb when cavorting with her sweetie out in Tishomingo. But to be a full-time Oklahoma wife, you have to look the part at all times. Walmart ensembles must include embellished jeans and a t-shirt displaying a state university football team name or your kid’s t-ball league logo. Church wear consists of a flowy floral top, leggings (or jeggings on Easter), and a rhinestone cross necklace. When in doubt, anything from the Reba McEntire clothing line will suffice.
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Assume Your Husband’s Identity
This is less about committing identity fraud and more about giving up a glamourous, jet-setting life that revolves around the music and fashion industries on the American coasts to one that consists of hunting trips and Sunday dinners in the heart of tornado and meth country. A good Oklahoma wife prioritizes her husband only second to God and it shows in her devotion to raising his kids, supporting his career, and applying a decal to the minivan that reads, “Police Wife,” “Army Wife,” or whatever the hell a “Oilfield Wife” is supposed to be.
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Add to Your Hobby Lobby Crosswall Collection
Bonus points if you can find an antique "Live. Laugh. Love." ornament from 2008. They're a collector's item now.
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Choose Your Own MLM Adventure!
Oklahoma wives are nothing if they aren’t a #momboss or #ladyboss or #bossbitch. I know Gwen already heads a series of successful self-made companies, but you won’t fit into proper Oklahoma wife society without a Paparazzi, Pure Romance, or Herbalife business card to pass out at social functions. Plus, even if the business fails, it will still get you the qualifications needed to serve on the state school board.
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Get a Pioneer Woman tattoo
Trust me – Your husband will love it more than white gravy cooked with bacon drippings in a cast-iron skillet.
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Learn to Fry Something
Chicken or Chicken-Fried is the gold-standard of frying abilities for any Oklahoma wife. But if you can only master squash for now, that will get you by for at least the first 3 years of your marriage.
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Hayley is an Oklahoma wife. Ask her about her MLM cards. Then follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek and become a contributing member of TLO here.
