“10,000 years will give you SUCH a crick in the neck.”
I’m back, link clickers, and right in the nick of time to settle the most controversial issue currently gripping our top ten city.
Back the F off of root beer.
I’ll quickly give some context to the folks who don’t use Bird Site (though they’re likely troglodytes and Parlerites alike) and as such missed out on this still-happening saga.
It all started when local Liberal Mainstream Media Reporter Perris Jones was given the “wrong” beverage with his delivery meal. He then hopped on Twitter and Barq'ed up the wrong tree.
Would the story have ended here, our great city would not be squirming in the mire we’ve found ourselves in.
Instead of accepting the superior beverage selected by his delivery agent, Jones chose violence.
And so, at 6:27pm on January 25th, the Great Root Beer Controversy began.
Since then, countless horrible takes, statements, and hateful remarks have been levied towards the Great Soda. For example:
It has been all we can do to keep up with this campaign of hatred in the fabulous Ogle Grand Studio, but keeping up is NOT enough. It’s time to get ahead of this.
Our city has no room for bigots, slanderers, and libelous hatred towards one of the only distinctly American creations that has negligible controversial roots.
We are in the midst of a war on the holiest of sodas. The definitive top-tier soda – root beer.
When you need something tasty to mix with your whiskey, where else do you turn but root beer?
When you want a delicious beverage that won’t keep you awake until the morning, who can you call but root beer?
When your estranged wife leaves and takes the kids in direct violation of your custody agreement drawn up by that far-too-expensive lawyer, what did she not take with her?
The god damn root beer, that’s what.
You can take civility away from OKC Twitter, Jones, but you cannot and will not take the joy of root beer from us.
It’s all we have in these tumultuous times.
I.B.C. you later,
Uncle Lenny
