While I understand that COVID-19 needs to be mitigated, I think the universities need to exhaust all options to prevent the spread of the virus at the games before flat-out banning students from attending. In fact, here are 7 ways to prevent COVID-19 from spreading at college football games!
If the college administrators are so worried about the spread of COVID-19 that they make the graduation ceremonies and final exams virtual, it would only make sense to make the football games online as well, right?
Don’t Allow Tailgating!
Even though the major universities have basically banned tailgating this season, it hasn’t stopped a gaggle of Greek affiliates and dusty alumni from accumulating outside of the stadiums like the COVID-19 virus on the Eskimo Joe’s hostess stand. Instead of standing outside of your own truck drinking your own beer from your own cooler, join your friends in cramming inside of a maxed-capacity bar right off of campus. Make sure to only remove your mask to take a drink or make out with a Beta.
Make it a Contest Among the Greeks
If universities turned the mask mandate into some sort of competition between the Greek houses, not only will you have a 90% chance of improving mask compliance but they'll also somehow raise $4,239 for St. Jude's.
Show Lectures from Introduction to Modern Philosophy on the Big Screen
If the athletics departments are so concerned with the kids in the student section taking off their masks before the first quarter even begins, maybe they should show class lectures on the big screen instead of game highlights. God knows half the students wouldn’t show up at that point.
Give the Mascots Authority
Thought to be beloved symbols of school spirit, cowboy Pistol Pete, ponies Boomer & Sooner, and Captain Cane (whatever the hell he’s supposed to be) should all double as authority figures tasked with executing the mask mandate because 1. They are already masked themselves and 2. I’d pay Cox $59 just for the chance to see an unmasked drunk dude in a polo being escorted out of the stadium by a cartoon character.
Change Your Strategy
If you tell the student section that the masks and social distancing practices are for the prevention of herpes or the clap, you bet your sweet ass they'll comply. And you probably wouldn't be lying to them, either.