Over the course of this dastardly pandemic, Oklahoma became irritatingly famous for such notorious news items as Governor Stitt getting Coronavirus from that large super-spreader convention headlined by Trump. But we also had things to be ignobly proud of, like the legend of Joe Exotic finally reaching the holed-up masses of a sickly America.
And, I’m sure like most Americans that watched the potboiler of a miniseries, we couldn’t wait for this virus to be eradicated if only so we could take our friends, family and tiger food rich husbands to Oklahoma’s newest star-attraction.
But then the unthinkable occurred…
Trending at number one on Twitter yesterday, it was announced by current Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park owner and Kong’s enthusiast Jeff Lowe that the park made famous by Exotic has been shut downto the public—possibly forever—due to those animal-protecting bastards at the USDA, suspending Lowe’s exhibitor license.
“Rest assured that all the animals will continue to have excellent care, and consequently will no longer be subject to USDA inspections or PETA spies,” Lowe said. “Our new park will, at least for the foreseeable future, be a private film set for Tiger King related television content for cable and streaming services.”
Goodbye GW Exotic Animal Park, we hardly knew ye. At least I hardly knew ye.
Though constantly at animalistic war with groups like PETA—not to mention that bitch Carole Baskin!—whose constant angry press releases might have given many decent people the chance to pause and recognize what they’re giving their money to, for years I tinkered with the idea of heading down to the area, paying the exorbitant entry fee and scoring a picture with a baby tiger.
Of course, those were merely the wet dreams of a man who hadn’t seen Tiger King on Netflix yet and all the controversy behind the zoo was still years away. But, still, how great would it have been to nuzzle shirtless with a baby tiger, only a cowboy hat and some tight jockey shorts between us as a strangely feline-related country song plays in the background?
And, as someone that has eaten out of the trashcan multiple time in my impoverished life, how wonderful would it have been to be invited to Exotic’s annual Thanksgiving supper, sampling the least-green meats and cheeses from area garbage bins?
While Lowe never got the chance to explore those great heights during his reign of the GW, we’ve all been here before and with Tiger King-mania still in the rearview mirror, maybe a new theme park is on the horizon, with bigger attractions, bigger designs and, best of all, bigger tigers, but, hopefully, the same old cold-cuts.
But, until then, Arbuckle Wilderness is still open, right?