I’ve had a weight problem all of my life, made even worse by the fact that everyone in my family is mostly thin. I’ve been called every heavy name in the book and, even though I’ve lost massive amounts of fat, there are always those typically right-leaning types that make sure to let people know that not only is my hefty death imminent, but that you, the hungry taxpayer, will have to pay for my useless hospitalization.
As bad as that is, now I’ve learned that the dreaded Covid-19 is possibly a man-made meat-massacre designed to slay portly, doughy and chubby Americans like me, perpetrated by the current White House boogeyman, the Chinese.
The muscular hero that has put forth this brave notion—through no actual research, by the way—is State Rep. Justin Humphrey, the two-fisted, one-gun Republican from Lane, Oklahoma. If that name is familiar, it might be because he gained notoriety as a man’s man that refers to pregnant women as “hosts” for the fetus. He also wears a very heterosexual cowboy hat.
In an official missive from the House of Representative’s communications and public affairs office, Humphrey’s shared his flag-waving findings on Friday:
“…we must establish that China developed this virus,” Humphreys mansplained. “It was designed to infect overweight, diabetic, elderly people who have low immune systems. Where are the majority of overweight diabetic people found? That would be America!”