America is in an absolute state of turmoil. Undocumented immigrants are being indefinitely detained, it’s punishable with jail time to protest pipelines, and heavy-duty guns are killing our children in record numbers; so what are the people with the most power in the United States—white people—going to do about it?
Storm the fuck out of Area 51.
Or, you know, maybe not. When the Internet meme went infectiously viral—so much so that the Air Force issued a statement strongly dissuading anyone from even attempting to organize a bloated blitzkrieg on the legendary stronghold—it’s obvious failure to launch crushed the wasteful dreams of about 1.5 million Facebook users that had hoped to Naruto run those captured extraterrestrials to freedom.
But, as we all know, you can’t keep a country full of millennials and other youthful subcultures with too much time on their hands down, so they’ve reorganized and on September 16th in Rachel, Nevada, what is believed to be the largest-ever meet-up of conspiracy theorists, paranormal activists and adult bedwetters will convene for an event that is, sadly, being dubbed Alienstock:
While the goal of Alienstock is to find out the truth behind the notorious alien hidey-hole, like most things that has secured a primo Bud Light sponsorship, brah, it’ll more than likely devolve in a couple of drunk conspiracy-bros humping an inflatable alien in a cheap motel’s pool. More space-power to them.
However, two Oklahoma City kids—Jared Shelden and Dustin Goodwin of the Cosmic Thirst, an “investigative blog dedicated to discovering the unknown”—will be there to cover the event, letting readers know if it is “the real deal” or just a “Fyre Festival 2.0.” Sadly, while neither blogger was available at press-time for an interview, my first and probably only question would be “Why?”
From their press release:
“For those of us true believers, we never, at any point, took the ‘Storm Area 51’ event seriously. I mean, it really is an idiotic notion, and not a valid way at all of getting to the truth of what might be out there,” Shelden said. “But, like a lot of other people, we did find it very interesting and continued to follow it as it progressed.”
Researching Alienfest, however, there are many conflicting plans and warring events for the weekend that come up, including the Area 51 Celebration in Las Vegas; it seems like everyone involved has forgotten the original point and just decided that the only green that matters here is not little men, but big money.
Dubious plans include a three-day music festival featuring a “classified lineup”—you know that probably means some band that was popular ten or so years ago, like the rumored Limp Bizkit or Kings of Leon—as well as the old stand-by of food trucks where you can prepay for your meals online, because this is the future and this is what we’ve chosen to do with it.
And even though that 1.5 million estimate is now down to around a more believable 700 people that have reserved campsites and motel rooms within a 100-mile radius, the Cosmic Thirst is not giving up hope that this is not a huge hoax and, as they’ll show us all, the truth will be out there…and they will be too.
“I honestly believe that Alienstock is not a scam,” states Goodwin. “I just think that everything has happened so fast that they might not have had much time to really cover everything. Either way, Jared and I will be there on the 18th, a full day before the event begins, with our campsite ready to go. We are preparing for the possibility that there will be no infrastructure to speak of, and plan to bring enough water, food and fuel to keep us content for several days, in case we are totally on our own.”