Lord Governor Stitt’s PR team pleads for desperate mansion repairs…
8:30 AM EDT on September 6, 2019
For what's certainly not the last time...or the first time, our beloved governor figurehead is in a sticky situation. Thankfully, it isn't literally sticky this time, like when Christina Fallin's septic tank regurgitated its content across the Governor's Mansion estate. While that specific event may not have actually transpired, it would help explain the smell...
But, back to the matter at hand.
Our dearest Governor Stitt is in a crisis that we should have fixed a long time ago. Now, after many long months, it's time to take care of Oklahoma's top priority. According to a local award winning news source, our governor is in a stitty situation: his government subsidized housing is inadequate. You've heard us enumerate the importance and affordability of this renovation months ago, back when Stitt was considering, among many other options, residing in either the Centennial House or Buckingham Palace's OKC campus.
When first I heard of the plight our aristocracy had befallen, I knew immediate action was called for. According to former first gentleman, Wade Christensen-Fallin III, the dilapidated housing provided free of charge for our leaders was less than up-to-par.
"All the floors would leak and we'd run around with pots and pans and catch the leaks, and we'd get trash cans to catch the leaks." stated Mr. Christensen-Fallin, shortly after crushing a Natural Light on the front porch of the decaying display of decadence off 23rd street.
Is this any way to treat those members of the upper echelon who guide and protect us from the left-wing dangers plaguing our great state?
Absolutely fucking not.
It makes me sick to think that Stitt, his wife, and his seventeen children could be residing in squalor at our hands. Just look at the filth we've allowed, through our great oversight, for our first family to reside in.
Thankfully, Stitt and the state legislature are fired up and ready with a brilliant and reasonable plan to make this situation go from plight to aight. The Oklahoma Legislature has already found and reserved the sum of two million dollars to help give the Stitt family the reasonable accommodations they deserve.
I know what you ignorant liberals are thinking – "$2-million dollars??? Couldn't that be better spent helping ensure teachers aren't forced to pay up to $750 out of pocket to provide proper supplies for their classrooms?"
I also know what you ignorant realtors are thinking – "$2-million dollars??? Wouldn't this charming house on Deerfield Drive be a better deal?"
To them I would reply: shut the fuck up and look at how neato this historic building is! Get your priorities straight, commies. After all, Oklahoma is all about heritage and not the hate that formal education systems brew. If they didn't want to be poor, they should have found a real job.
Stitt, if you're reading this, I whole-heartedly support you, and I am more than willing to personally contribute to this campaign for the betterment of all Oklahomans. Maybe, if we can raise the meager amount allotted by state legislature from two million to three million, we could even have another radical pool built for you. I'll get with Patrick and see if The Lost Ogle can help create a kick-starter to ease the burden from resting on your shoulders alone.
I think I speak for all of us when I say that you deserve nothing less than the absolute best.