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5 things more helpful to carry in Oklahoma than a handgun

9:04 AM EDT on September 6, 2019


Having been a semi-functioning member of society for a while now, I have had my fair share of needless training opportunities requirements. For example, I took a driver’s ed course to learn to parallel park for my test back in 2007 and have not parallel parked since. I also still firmly believe I didn’t need a 2-hour lecture in order to learn to make popcorn at the movie theater that employed me as a teenager. Lastly, I’ve never met the Queen of England or the Pope, so you know damn well that those Girl Scout etiquette classes went to waste.

But even as half-assed as it is in our state, I am glad Oklahoma does require citizens to attend training to acquire the handgun license needed to conceal a gun on their person. That is, until November 1st of this year when “constitutional carry” is supposed to take place. But some Oklahomans don't think the new law is as "constitutional" as it appears.

Via FOX25…

Oklahoma City, Okla. (KOKH) — State Representative Jason Lowe says the fight isn't over after submitting a petition to veto the state's constitutional carry law.

Lowe says he plans to go before the Oklahoma State Supreme Court as soon as Wednesday morning to defend the legality of the petition.

The court gave them until 5 p.m. Thursday, and wants to know how many signatures they got.

Just minutes before the deadline last week, stacks of signed petitions were hauled into the Secretary of State.

Lowe says there was no time to count and see if they hit their mark of almost 60,000 signatures.

"We don't know the exact amount, but we do know that thousands and thousands of Oklahomans have expressed their displeasure with this law," Lowe said. "They believe it's dangerous. They believe it should not be enacted."

Unless the law is challenged, as of November 1st many Oklahomans will have the ability to conceal a handgun without a license. The concept of “constitutional carry” makes me sad for three reasons. One, because even though the concealed carry training and application process is more safety theater than actual training, handgun license holders still have to go through background checks to be able to carry a weapon. Two, because I’ve already spent about $200 total for my own concealed carry class and handgun license.

Lastly three, since we live in the real world and not a post-apocalyptic erotic fan fiction posted online by some NRA card holder, there are often blurred lines between who is the “good guy” with a gun and who is the “bad guy.” Often times a “good guy” with a gun can quickly turn into a “bad guy.” After all, research suggests that bringing in a gun may actually make a confrontation more dangerous than de-escalate it. On top of that, a recent report by the FBI found evidence to suggest unarmed citizens were more likely to intervene and stop active shooters successfully than armed citizens.

But as an Oklahoman, I understand there is this need for rugged self-reliance ingrained in us all. I’m not saying I want Oklahomans to be helpless. I’m just saying there are probably more helpful things we can carry than guns, including…


A Dildo

Yeah, you might think you look like someone nobody wants to mess with if you have the butt end of a Ruger LCP II poking out of the pocket holster in your Wranglers. But think about how few interactions you’d get if it was a 12-inch realistic dildo hanging out of your back pocket! Find one today at your local Patricia’s.


A stack of The Watchtower magazine

Forget semi-automatic handguns! Nothing scares people off more than the sight of a stranger holding a few copies of the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ monthly Watchtower magazine.


Pocket sand

According to King of the Hill, Dale Gribble has navigated this world armed with nothing more than a pocket full of sand to throw in the eyes of unsuspecting potential assassins. If it’s good enough for Dale, it’s good enough for any other red-blooded American.

A cell phone

Did you know there are actual people you can call, who city and state governments train and pay to navigate crisis situations that involve weapons? That way we don’t have to rely on some random guy, who would likely be wearing a dingy, late 1990s-era OU t-shirt while holding on way too tightly to an un-oiled .380 and a heroic pipe dream, to save the day.


A bottle opener

I’m just saying, I use my key chain bottle opener way more often than I use my gun. At least in my situation, carrying the opener has been more helpful than concealed carrying a weapon.

This is satire, not advice. I hope I didn't need to tell you that. Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek

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