There's been a great disturbance in the severe weather force.
For the past couple of years, Lord Gary England – the Severe Weather God of Oklahoma™ – has been experimenting with the conservative right side of the severe weather force, leading him to share and retweet memes, news stories and patriotic bald eagle graphics that attempt to disprove and question the verified science behind global warming.
Let's be honest. The fact that Gary England would experiment with the right side of the severe weather force and become a global warming skeptic isn't surprising. Did you think when he retired he was simply going to work on his hail stone collection? No way. We've all watched enough Star Wars and read enough Lord of the Rings to know that just about every wise, old, mystical sage has a period in their life where they experiment with dark arts in an effort to harness their powers for good. Lord Gary isn't any different.
That being said, because Gary is an all-powerful weather deity who A) owns a doppler radar cannon, B) can conjure a lightning bolt with just the touch of his Gentner, and C) employs a pack of nine undead storm chasers called the Tornazgul, even the bravest in the local meteorological community have dared not to question him.
Well, until now.
In response to his sharing of the questionable article about "Global Freezing," Emily Sutton – the Severe Weather Princess who recently mastered the art of willing gustnadoes to life – responded by sharing a different scientific article:
Before we continue, I just want to say that this whole thing puts me in a tough spot. I've been a deacon in the Church of Gary England every since the Edmond tornado of 1986. I've always watched him on News 9 and even dressed up as him for Halloween. As documented in the book Boom Town, Tony and I took a pilgrimage to Seiling for Gary England Day in 2012, where we made an offering of hailstones at the tornado siren and unearthed a copy of Gary England's first ever five day forecast:
Although I'm a supporter of Gary, I've also been a devout follower and disciple of Emily Sutton since she first popped up on the Oklahoma City weather scene in 2010. Remember that?
Since then, Emily's undergone a metamorphosis that would make Kafka proud. Under the help, guidance and tutelage of Joleen Chaney, she's transformed from a homely weather nerd into the ass-kicking superhuman severe weather babe who can forecast storms and dodge death. She's like Princess Leia and Storm rolled into one package of Oreo Cookies.
Sorry. I love that photo. I'm glad it doesn't violate any copyright law.
Knowing my allegiances to both Gary England and Emily Sutton, whose side do I take in this scientific debate? Well, I think we need to dig deeper into their conversation:
At this point, one of Emily's foot soldiers butted in:
I don't know about you, but it seems pretty obvious that Emily did a good job at refuting Lord England's argument. Obviously, then, our Weather Holiness learned his lesson, and put the ancient texts and scrolls from the right side of the weather force back in the storm cellar where they belong.
Sadly, that's not the case:
Okay, so Gary hasn't put the texts in the storm cellar quite yet, and let's be honest – he probably never will. The right side of the severe weather force is strong, and its dark powers are seductive and addictive to all who explore them, even if they are the mightiest and most powerful of weather deities. Let's just hope he doesn't click on the anti-vaccine link he sees on his niece's Facebook page.
Anyway, although it's concerning that Lord England is using his large social media following to propagate questionable material that refutes global warming, I'm still going to be an altar boy at his church. I was indoctrinated at a young age, and the loyalty I have to him is as unbreakable as a multi-vortex grinder barreling towards a mobile home. Plus, we have Emily Sutton around to protect us if he gets to out of control. There's still lots of good in him.