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The 5 Stages of Oklahoma Winter Weather Panic

9:29 AM EST on December 5, 2018

Weather panic is not a unique situation in Oklahoma. If a week goes by where the temperatures don't shift by twenty degrees, the wind doesn't fluctuate, or allergens aren't popping, there must be something wrong.

Now that winter has finally arrived, we get to enjoy melodramatic forecasts from local meteorologists. As soon as the temperatures drop and precipitation looks like it will rear its ugly head, get ready for all the Oklahoma weatherpeople to unveil colorful charts and graphs that display the incoming winter hellscape.

Here are the 5 levels of Oklahoma winter weather panic you can expect:

Stage 1: Initial Weather Report (Come to Jesus)

A week or more before the weather event, meteorologists will get word that some kind of legendary, historic winter storm is moving into the area. Snow drifts of 4 inches to 8 feet are expected. It could be absolutely nothing, it could be the worst storm we've ever seen. Reading the Euro models is like deciphering a crystal ball- the future is fluid and in motion.

To be on the safe side, now is the time to invest in ice melt and make peace with the lord before you're buried under the Arctic levels of snow and ice that are being predicted.


Stage 2: Follow-Up Report (Last Will and Testament)

In the next 12 hours, meteorologists will double down on their doomsday reports and release forecasts that are at least as nutzo as the Initial Weather Reports. The snow or ice totals will stay steady, if not increase.

This is the time when you call your lawyer, who is no doubt in their panic room hidey-hole. Ask what will happen to the future of your estate. You've no doubt attained a pantry full of beer glassware from pint nights that you need to find a home for. It's looking like the end is nigh, so go ahead and finalize those end-of-life details.


Stage 3: The Day Before (Milk & Liquor)

It's coming down to the wire, and although the skies look clear and it's been too warm the last few days for any precipitation to stick around, local meteorologists are staking their careers on the fact that shit is about to go down. Do not trust your gut instinct- trust the guy who double-majored in journalism and meteorology.

Schools, government buildings and churches close in advance. The news channel hires extra staff to man the closing scroll at the bottom of the screen. This could be the last chance in your life to ever purchase bread, milk, and liquor, so make use of it wisely. You can't make sandwiches in Hell, and they probably don't have Bota Boxes there either, so stock up now!


Stage 4: The Day of Reckoning (We're Off Work!)

All week, you've heard about how storms would roll in and you've prepared for it. Your pantry contains enough bourbon and white bread to last you at least a few more days. Work is either cancelled, or you preemptively called in, as you were savvy enough to know that things would get brutal.

You peel the weighted blanket off your body and take a quick peek through the blinds. Squinting into the distance, it is quickly apparent that there is no snow on the ground. You were promised a thick blanket of blinding snow, but there is only a few errant white flakes spread across the lawn.

It's cool to have the day off, but things just don't feel right.


Stage 5: The Day After Tomorrow (Regret and Remorse)

Turns out that the streets are all fine, it's a just a little cold out, and the grocery stores are all flooded with people because we all got the day off. A shallow stream of soft powder fell from the skies, but never really accumulated or became a problem. In fact, there are no snowpeople in the neighborhood yards, and the only issue with the roads is a grey and black slush that melts with every passing car.

You feel a little guilty, because in reality there was no reason for you to not go into work. The streets are open and the snow barely fell, but here you are, streaming anime and squeezing the last few drops of your boxed wine out of the plastic space bag.

This won't be the only winter weather scare of the year, but it fooled us nonetheless.

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