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How to spot outside agitators and paid protestors at the Capitol…

10:48 AM EDT on April 5, 2018

We knew this teacher's walkout felt a bit too genuine and inspirational.

Yesterday afternoon, State Rep John Enns confirmed what wacko authoritarian conspiracy theorists have long feared – paid protestors from the mean streets of Chicago have infiltrated the teacher's walkout. At least that's what he's "been told."

Well, it's official. Although he won't get into any helpful specifics, Lawmaker Gobber McGoo – the guy who wants to make it harder for voters to enact laws – "has been told" by someone he won't name there are paid protestors at the capitol. He actually has a point. Considering all the money lawmakers have earned from oil companies, and the legislative body's indifference to teachers and education funding, it is probably a fair statement to call Oklahoma lawmakers paid protestors... or so I've been told.

Following Enns dire warnings, the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety took time away from Governor Mansion massage chains and issued this statement regarding the invasion of educational protestors currently swarming the steps of the Capitol. Naturally, they released it at the end of the day so department staff wasn't able to answer any follow-up questions like "huh?" and WTF?"

DPS statement re: protest groups at Capitol

The Oklahoma Department of Public Safety has identified a growing number of outside protest groups, not involved with the ongoing teachers’ rally, present at the State Capitol. The situation is being closely monitored for the safety of educators, elected officials and others at the Capitol and the surrounding area.

In the past, some of these groups have been known to show violent behavior during non-violent rallies. There have been reports of threats made towards members of the Legislature and the Governor’s office.

The Department of Public Safety is consistently utilizing resources to identify and monitor these outside groups, investigate threats made, and to provide safety and security for all attendees

Yes, gentle readers, "outside protest groups" have infiltrated the ranks of our hard-working, humble and ultimately thankful teachers, waiting for just the right moment to incite their specialized brand of liberal violence and Fox News-approved fear, hoping to cause matronly mayhem in a crowd that continues to grow, both in number and emotions, by the day.

Or so I've been told.

As a public service, we’re teaming with the Oklahoma Department of Public Safety to let the masses know just exactly what to be on the lookout for during these walkouts, the tell-tale signs that the comrade-in-arms standing defiantly next to you isn’t a fellow educator but instead a member of America’s fastest growing cadre of militant activists. Remember, citizens: if you see something, don’t be afraid to say something!

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Denim Vests

One of the most immediate and honestly easiest ways to spot agitators is through their well-known uniforms. Often times they will be clad in blue denim vests purchased from the Affair of the Heart, upon which they will brandish with symbols of resistance including an apple with a worm wearing a mortarboard poking out of it or a schoolhouse with the code words “ABC 123” emblazoned in neon puff-paint. Affiliated gang labels include Quacker Factory and Dr. Scholl's.

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Pizza Power

Many members of this movement have been known to eat unusual quantities of pizza, typically provided to them free of charge by sympathizing businesses who believe they are doing the “right thing.” Troublesome protestors with pizza problems can be spotted via tale-tell signs that include:

    • Garlic breath
    • Parmesan residue
    • Tomato sauce stains
    • Pocket pepperonis
    • Cheesy-bread burns

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Marked Transportation

Law-enforcement officials have noted the numerous peculiar similarities in many of the vehicles that these so-called teachers have been known to use on a daily basis. These constants include makes and models that are over 20 years old, oftentimes from manufacturers such as Geo or Saturn that are no longer even in production, some in need of dent repair, a new passenger-side window or a muffler to replace the one that is currently dragging. If the cassette deck is still working, Antifa can often be heard listening to a stuck tape of Sandy Patty’s 1986 album Morning Like This at a reasonable volume.

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Insufficient Funds

These outside agitators are a devious lot trained to blend in and assimilate with surprising accuracy. However, despite being paid big dollars by numerous outside interests, they will often claim they have “no money” to “buy gas to get home” or “keep the utilities turned on.” Tell-tale signs of this fraudulent economic insurgency will include advance payday-loan receipts, insufficient fund slips from ATMs and the constant need to “borrow $5 to avoid an overdraft fee.”

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Caustic Signage

Of course, the number one way to spot an outside agitator, paid protestor or Antifa agent is the fact they will usually be carrying a homemade sign of sorts, decorated in magic markers and glitter and typically inscribed with a hate-filled message that publicly displays their proudly anti-authoritarian attitudes towards both the government and our elected officials. They have also been known to recruit impressionable students to their cause by promising to pay them in gold stars, Tootsie pops and scratch ‘n sniff stickers that exclaim “Berry Good Job!”

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Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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