Over the past week, school districts from all over Oklahoma have been calling emergency meetings with parents to not only put them on notice about the possibility of an upcoming teacher’s strike, but to also give these guardians some sort of warning that their children will more than likely be without required adult supervision for a good part of the day.
But hey…them’s the breaks when you don’t want to pay these teachers what they’re worth, hoss.
Sadly, with mom and/or dad at work and the price of childcare unattainable for most families, many of these kids will be left to their own curious devices, wandering these cold city streets and self-educating themselves in the gutter and finding much-needed mentors to replace their teachers in the most unexpected of places. Here’s five cool activities for kids to do while the teachers strike…
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Learn to Smoke
Meemaw loves to leave her More 100 Lights out in the open by her TV clicker, don’t she? Nothing says “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!” like taking advantage of her absent-minded nature and swiping a freshly opened soft-pack to share with your friends down by the picnic tables over at the nice park with the big toy and working splash-pad. After a few shared puffs, you and your pals will come to learn quickly the chemical and biological truth about smoking: that it not only makes you look cool and glamourous, but it’s also a great way to curb those hunger pangs left behind from the lack of a much-needed free school lunches. Thanks, legislators!
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Shoplift from the Mall
Who needs job skills, right? The only true trade in this hard, cruel world is survival; it’s time to learn that everyone in this world looks out for number one and if you want something, you’ve got to learn to go out and take it, both figuratively and literally. Since you’re too young to get a job and the ‘rents too broke to throw down some cash, so what better training ground to maneuver around an unstable economic future thanks to a sub-par Okie education than learning the ins and outs of shoplifting from your local mall or department store. From cutting security tags in a Hot Topic to pilfering unlocked cars in the parking garage, it’s an advanced placement class in getting’ yours, son. Thanks, legislators!
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Start a Gang
What’s it going to be then, o my brothers? It’s truly a terrible grahzny vonny world, really, and with no school and no studies to excite ye yarbles, my droogs and I must seek out real horrorshow thrills of angel trumpets and devil trombones to get our ultraviolence kicks, right? Knocking the rassoodocks in of a filthy dirty old drunky for a bit of cutter and a bit of fun...it’s good for laughs, isn’t then? Thanks, legislators!
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Experiment with Sex
Today’s exceedingly mature teens, with all their gender-fluids and whatnot, are far more sexually enterprising than any of us were twenty years ago. Whereas many kids back then could make do with a vacuum-cleaner hickey and some minor bus-stop frottage, this new generation of tykes are far more in touch their bodies, themselves, and a full-day in a supervised setting was keeping them from mostly keeping deeper in touch with that. However, now, with mom and dad at work and the house all to those bodies, themselves, it’s a Falls Creek Youth Pastor’s worst wet nightmare come dry true as they can expect the family rumpus room to become a filthy Dionysian den of sexual deviation and moral ambiguity that’ll leave all parties involved with definite Herp-B, a little HPV and a pregnancy scare or two that’ll turn the smartest A plus student into a Plan B consumer overnight. Thanks, legislators!
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Explore Satanism
In times of youthful loneliness and adolescent alienation when those burgeoning feelings of teen angst are just a little too insurmountable to deal with alone, it’s always great to have mentor, like a trusted teacher or counselor, to talk to and help work these things out in a healthy way. But, with your fave prof and the rest of the crew out marching in the streets for their God-given rights to a livable wage, what better time for a copy of the latest Harry Potter novel to lead to dog-eared paperbacks about Satanism and witchcraft to wind up in their backpacks after meeting a like-minded teen or two, dressed completely in black, in the YA section of the Belle Isle library. With school out and you’re desperate to learn something, anything, it’s the best time for demonic recruiting services, offering the best in Hell-bound learning alternatives in the form of absolute worship the Fallen One, the Beast of Desolation himself, Satan, to teach you the ins and out of pure Devil Worship and how to attain true Unholy power rivaled only to that of our government. In God we trust, indeed. Thanks, legislators!
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Teach your children well. Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.
