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What “Dark Secrets” is the Pioneer Woman hiding?

As Louis mentioned last week, every time we write something accurate and snarky about "The Pioneer Woman" Ree Drummond – a.k.a. the trust fund kid who traded out her affluent country club lifestyle to live a hard knocks mom-life on a multi-million dollar ranch owned by one of largest private land-owning families in the US – her army of mommy bloggers hop into the comments and accuse us of being angry and jealous of her success.

Truth is, we kind of are. Can you blame us? Since she beat us in the 2008 Oklahoma blog awards, Ree has grown into an even wealthier international celebrity, and we're still here shilling blog posts and peddling trivia nights. Phonies get all the breaks!

That being said, at least we don't have to worry about our "dark secrets" being exposed to people waiting in the Walgreens checkout line:

Yes, it's official. Ree Drummond is finally the subject of a supermarket tabloid hit piece. If the cookbooks, Walmart kitchen items, Food Network show, and Reese Witherspoon movie treatments hasn't proven it already, I guess Ree Drummond has finally made it to the A-list.

Unfortunately, the In Touch article is not available online, so we don't really know what "dark secrets" Ree Drummond is hiding. I assume most of them are things we already know, like how Ree plagiarized recipes from Green Country cookbooks, hired tutors to "home school" her kids, and use sponsored giveaway gimmicks to help gain a following.

Here are some educated guess on 10 others secrets she may be hiding:

1.  She stole Jesse Pinkman's "Chili Powder" meth recipe and didn't give him any credit.

According to the Ogle Mole Network, Ree makes a batch of artisanal "Chili Powder" methamphetamine for tweakers who live and work around her Pawhuska Mercantile. Although she also adds cumin and smoked paprika, the recipe was obviously stolen from Breaking Bad.


2. Several of her farm hands have died of dysentery.

According to Oklahoma Department of Labor reports, five farm hands on the Pioneer Woman's ranch have died of dysentery since 2008. Additionally, two of her kids have been bitten by snakes and one visitor to the ranch drowned while trying to cross a river. I guess they couldn't afford a ferry.


3. The Marlboro Man smokes Menthol Kools.

I like to give credit where credit is due, so props to Ree for being a marketing genius. I wonder how much Marlboro had to slip her to name her husband after their famed mascot, and if they really know that he smokes menthol Kools?


4. Her recipe for homemade Girl Scout Samoa Cookies calls for the virgin blood of three Girl Scouts.

No wonder Girl Scouts are wanting to join Boy Scouts.


5. If you read her cookbooks backwards, Satan doubles the calories in your skinny friend's cinnamon rolls.

This all but proves that Ree has made some sort of deal with the devil.


6. She outsources all her blog posts to writers in the Philippines.

Unlike Tate Publishing, hopefully she pays them.


7. Ree and Marlboro Man don’t share a bed 

We blame this on the re-fried bean casserole (and many of her other recipes).


8. Her line of Walmart cookware is manufactured in Oklahoma drug court "rehab" factories.

For the sake of the inmates, let's hope she never launches her own private line of fresh chicken.


9. Her chicken fried steak flour is made from the pulverized bones of her enemies

That would explain what happened to the The Marlboro Woman. It's also why I got that new alarm system installed by Security Options.


10. She's really just Paula Deen in disguise.

I don't think it's a coincidence that the fall of Paula Deen was followed by the meteoric rise of Ree Drummond. The TV media needs brands to sell to advertisers so advertisers can sell products to consumers. That's how capitalism works. And when Paula Deen was revealed to be a racist, they needed someone else to fill the southern butter mom housewife cooking niche. It makes me wonder if Ree is really just Paula Deen in disguise.


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