5 Terribly Named OKC Metro Vape Shops
10:28 AM EDT on September 28, 2017
In what has managed to become the JNCO pants of nicotine fulfillment, vapin’, or the act of inhaling e-liquid—usually made of nicotine, propylene glycol, glycerine, and flavorings—and then exhaling the resulting water vapor through an electric device called a “vaporizer,” has seemingly overtaken the Metro. From the most well-to-do Casady student looking to buy Adderall during an off-campus lunch break to the lowliest ICP fan chugging a Rascal through the Golden Corral carving station, the scent of wafting second-hand flavored smoke is never too far behind.
As this non-habit forming habit continues to form and grow throughout OKC, e-smokers are going to need to get their premium fixes somewhere and the eBlues down at the 7-11 ain’t cuttin’ it, hoss. This is where the importance of specialty vape shops come into play, making even the smallest Capitalist dreams come true, getting kids addicted early with their tempting candy and cola flavors—try to top that, Joe Camel, ya dumb bitch—and, in the grand scheme of things, prepping the easily shocked for the eventual swath of marijuana dispensaries these businesses will surely transform into once that demon weed is legalized.
And that’s all well and good. If people are willing to give their hard-earned money over to intrepid businessmen to pay for what is essentially a Glade Plug-In for your face, more power to them for being able to exploit that woeful sucker born every minute. It’s the American way and the red, white and blue nails in this country’s coffin. Take the money and run, guys.
To be honest, my only real irritance with local vape shops is their absolutely horrendous attempts at trying to come up with a clever-enough name for their business, often failing by trying to be too MMA, too punny or too referentially obscure. It was a trend I noticed a few years ago when I drove by a vapory on NW 23rd and Penn called “Vape Me,” presumably after the terrible Nirvana song “Rape Me.” That's just inappropriate, sir.
But, take a toke, bro, I’m here to help. Here’s five terribly monikered local vape shops that should consider an eventual name change, and, being a good sport, I’ll even help you get started with my own suggestion. Puff away!
Umbrella Vapor Corporation
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, but is this an alternate reality cos-play business supposing that the Umbrella Corporation, from the Resident Evil series of video games and movies, opened up a small strip-mall vape shop instead of engaging in biological warfare? At least my new screenplay Resident Evil: Inhalation will make a lot more sense now. But really, it would seem to me that if you’re going for the nerd angle, it would be elves and goblins and wizards that would enjoy a puff on the ol’ vape more than the undead citizens of Raccoon City. That's 15 logic points and two-plus wisdom power-ups in my corner, huzzah!
Possible name fix: Thee Dungeonmaster’s Vapory
iQuit, you Quit, we all quit! Have you recently looked in the mirror and realized that vaping just isn’t for you and your Monster Energy Drink-stained soul any longer? Then take a trip to iQuit Vapes, an anti-vapory I’m guessing from the name. Will iQuit help break the chronic inhaler, finally freeing him or her from this lower-class albatross by offering tips, tricks and kits on breaking the cycle and quitting vaping forever. Unless that’s the complete opposite of what you’re going for, right?
Possible fix: iVape Vapes
When in beautiful Oklahoma City, make sure to visit Fort Worth Meacham International Airport’s best vape shop. I’m just kidding, I know that FTW means “For the Win” in, um, internet speak or something. But really, let’s be honest: is anyone truly winning by vaping and/or using teen text abbreviations? If this is the joint where true champs of flavored inhalants go to prove their masculinity, then name it as such, dammit! Treat the place like a Foot Locker and a bowl of Wheaties and the true winners--the shinign bright superstars--will come and inspire all that set foot into this pantheon of flavored greatness.
Possible name fix: The Winner’s Cup Vapeatorium
ReMeMbEr WhEn YoU ThOuGhT WrITiNg LiKe DiZ WuZ KeWl??? ThAt FeEeLiN NeVeR DIeD aT JustVapeZ. kORn FoR LyfE! ScKoOl sUckZ!
Possible name fix: Just Vapes! (That was really more spellcheck than me. Thanks, Clippy!)
Little House of Vapors
Call me crazy, call me dumb, but I’m not going into some dude’s house to buy vape materials. I have no problem with the shadiest of Del City strip malls, but this name is clearly some sort of red flag, especially when you learn it’s in a neighborhood on S.E. 43rd St. On the other hand, if you were truly promotionally savvy, you could combine a haunted house motif with the vape shop and charge people an extra $10 to be chased around by famous movie monsters puffing away in the shadows. Spooky!
Possible name fix: The Last Vape House on the Left