TLO 2016 Election Endorsements…
10:43 AM EST on November 7, 2016
The day we've all been dreading is almost here. On Tuesday, November 8th, everyone's favorite actress, Tara Reid, turns 41 years old. I bet that's going to be one hell of a party!
In addition to Tara Reid's birthday, tomorrow is election day – the should-be national holiday where 60% of America will decide which bad choice will lead our country into disorder and chaos. Since we're influential, obscure local social bloggers, I thought it would be wise to share our endorsements for President, notable local elections, and the various state questions.
I guess we'll start with the big race everyone in the world is talking about. For "Best Song by the Presidents of the United States of America", I'm going to endorse "Peaches." With all apologies to Lump and Mach 5, it's the only song that promotes the entrepreneurial spirit of the American industrialism (making peaches) and the quaint charm of living in the country (eating peaches).
For the real President of The United States, the choice is clear. The Lost Ogle officially endorses...
Joe Exotic for US President
Here's the deal. As we witness the fall of civilized society, and roaming bands of cannibalistic marauders roam the countryside looking for humans to harvest for flesh, I don't want to be hiding at Martin Nature Park with my tribe mates saying "Man, I probably shouldn't have voted for Trump" or "If I had it to over again, I probably wouldn't have voted for Clinton." Basically, I don't want to spend whatever short amount of time I have left on earth living with voter's guilt.
As a result, we proudly endorse Joe Exotic for US President. He may not be on the Oklahoma ballot, but I'm going to vote for him anyway. The USA could use some good news for a change, and I can't think of anything more happy and positive than sending an eccentric, openly gay, tiger zoo owner who dabbles in country music and sells his own personal brand of condoms to Washington DC to lead the free world. At the very least, we'll have one hell of an Inauguration Ball.
Mark T. Beard for US Senate
I have no clue who this guy is or what community college he teaches at, but based on his boring Facebook videos I think he'd make a fine US Senator. He'd at least be better than Reverend Lankford.
Steve Shaw for 5th Congressional District
Although I like Al McAffrey, and endorsed Steve Russell in the past just so I could experience what it feels like to pick a winner, I think News 9's Steve Shaw is the best man for the job. Let's be honest. If we had to pick one person from the Oklahoma media to take on Washington DC bureaucrats and fight for change, Steve would be the guy. He's a wheeling and dealing bulldog who'd get the job done and do what's right for hardworking Oklahomans.
Elle Collins for Oklahoma State House District 87
I live in this district. I'm also a regular voter. As a result, I've been bothered, harassed and stalked by supporters of Bruce Lee Smith (an old white dude who's trying to pull a Donna Chang) and Collin Walke (a young white dude who eats his Snickers bar with a knife and fork). They've printed enough postcards and brochures to wipe out another rain forest. As a result, we endorse libertarian Elle Collins. She hasn't mailed me 500 oversized postcards. She also hasn't knocked on my door once. She just leaves me alone. That's a political candidate I can get behind.
Non-Incumbents for all other State House / Senate Races
Fun Fact: The actress in the clip above is from Tulsa.
I considered endorsing candidates from other Oklahoma legislative races, but I honestly don't follow them as much as you'd think I do. For the most part, I endorse not voting for just about any incumbent. That's easy enough.
With that out-of-the-way, let's take a look at State Questions...
Question 776 (The Oklahoma Death Penalty Amendment)
If passed, this State Question will give Oklahoma the power to impose capital punishment and set new methods of botched executions. I think that's a power our state already has, but we might as well go overboard just to make a point. That's what laws are for.
State Question 777 (Right To Farm)
We reviewed 7 reasons to Vote Yes for SQ 777 last month. You should check it out so I don't have to spend any more time writing about really bad policy. Vote no.
Endorsement: Hell No
State Question 779 (Oklahoma One Percent Sales Tax for Education)
If you’re voting no on SQ 779 because you’re conservative dick who thinks education already gets too much money, then go suck on an eraser you greedy cheap ass. If you’re voting no because 792 isn’t this best way to fund teacher pay raises, and you think we should fight for a better solution that’s not backed by David Boren and Joy Hofmeister, then you deserve a gold star. If you're voting yes because you're an angry teacher or parent, well, I get it. Our teachers need a raise. Our schools need more money. I can't blame you for giving up and taking whatever is offered.
State Question 780 & 781 (Oklahoma Reclassification of Some Drug and Property Crimes as Misdemeanors)
These are the rare State Questions that are A) good policy and B) receiving bipartisan support. Let’s not fuck this up, people. Vote yes.
State Question 790 (Oklahoma Public Money for Religious Purposes)
Keep in mind that you’ll probably be voting for all these state questions in the basement of a church. Since that's the case, we might as well go all out and remove the section from the constitution that prohibits Oklahoma money to be used for religious purposes. Seriously, this one could get fun. We should all vote yes just to see live, over the top coverage of maintenance men reinstalling the 10 Commandments monument while their shadows fuck like rabbits.
Endorsement: Fuck it. Why not?
State Question 792 (Oklahoma Regulations Governing the Sale of Wine and Beer)
Anyway, that's it for election endorsements.
Actually, it's not. Spencer and I will be breaking down the judges up for reelection tomorrow. Check it out tomorrow morning before you vote.
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