Earlier this week, it was announced that the Oklahoma City Zoo would be acquiring a pair of endangered Asian elephants from Seattle's Woodlawn Park Zoo on a long-term loan. The move is both practical and symbolic. It's practical because the elephants would join the existing Oklahoma City heard and live inside our zoo's new, expansive 9-acre elephant exhibit. It's symbolic because it would show that Seattle has finally put to rest the bitterness they've had for OKC since Howard Schultz sold the Sonics to Clay Bennett and his posse of wildcatters
Seattle and Oklahoma City are engaged in a dispute of mammoth proportions.
A plan to transfer two endangered Asian elephants from Woodlawn Park Zoo in Seattle to the Oklahoma City Zoo is drawing protests from animal rights activists, Seattle City Council members and that city’s leading newspaper.
Yeah, disregard the stuff I wrote about this move being "symbolic." Apparently Seattle is still a bitter, jilted lover...
The Seattle zoo, which is closing its elephant exhibit, announced last month it would send its two elephants, Bamboo and Chai, to Oklahoma City on a long-term loan so they can be part of a larger, multigenerational herd. Bamboo is a 48. Chai is 36. Both are females.
The Associated Press on Wednesday quoted Seattle Mayor Ed Murray saying he was disappointed by Woodlawn’s decision but that there was little he could do.
The mayor’s comments follow protests by animal rights activists and others who want the animals moved to a sanctuary where they will not be put on display. A board that oversees the zoo’s operation rejected that idea.
Monday, The Seattle Times published an editorial critical of the plan to ferry the elephants on a 2,000-mile, 40-hour journey to Oklahoma, saying more humane alternatives existed.
“Zoo officials should reconsider shipping Chai and Bamboo into ‘Tornado Alley,’ a region with much more volatile and extreme weather than Seattle,” the editorial read. “These cherished creatures deserve to retire from the performance life.”
Really? You're dropping a "Tornado Alley" reference? Like that really makes Oklahoma City a less safe place for elephants. At last check, we've never had a zoo animal die during a tornado. Hell, I've lived in Oklahoma City for 36-years and I have never even seen a funnel cloud in person. Tornado alley is irrelevant. It would be like saying Seattle is a bad place for elephants because the rain and second-hand pot smoke would make them all depressed and suicidal. Seriously, go fuck yourself, Seattle Times.
The elephant exchange has even pissed off the Price is Right's Bob Barker. Yep, he's still alive. He woke up from a mid-afternoon nap to issue the following statement:
“When I heard about the plans to send Chai and Bamboo to the Oklahoma Zoo, I felt compelled to call the mayor personally and ask him to intervene on their behalf,” explained Bob Barker in a statement. “Moving elephants in the winter is very dangerous, an elephant named Wankie died under the same conditions in 2005.
You know what, that's fair. Although I think it's why they're waiting until spring to move the Elephants. Anything else, Bob?
Additionally, Oklahoma Zoo is located in a climate that is too cold in the winter for elephants and in the heart of tornado alley, and they also have loud rock concerts at an amphitheatre located right near the elephants. Sending them there would move them from a bad situation to a dreadful one. The entire plan is irresponsible and cruel.”
WTF?! Screw you, Bob Barker! Stop complaining about loud rock and roll music and go sexually harass a model with your long skinny microphone. If anything, I bet all the animals enjoy the delightful music and sounds coming from the Zoo Amp. What mammal, bird or reptile doesn't like to hear the faint, echoed sounds of Lynrd Skynrd, Styx and Seether while trying to take a nap?
I don't know about you, but it's pretty obvious Bob Barker and the people of Seattle are just being passive aggressive sore losers. Would they be this upset if they were sending the animals to live in a new zoo exhibit in Dallas or Des Moines? Probably not. Obviously, they're still bitter about things like this:
Since the people in Seattle are jealous assholes who can't move on with their life, I think we should declare all out war and steal other things from their beautiful, international city. Here's a list of 8 things I want to steal...
We've been in a drought for something like three or four years now. They have rain to spare, right?
2. High Paying Jobs
If we steal some high paying jobs, let's make sure they're not tied to oil and natural gas. Maybe we can lure Amazon to town by giving them the Native American Center that we're never going to build.
3. Frasier Spinoff
It's the year 2015 and Frasier Crane is in Las Vegas to give a speech at the American Psychiatry Convention. While there, he meets the girl of his dreams – a former drunk Oklahoma City street cop turned licensed psychiatrist named Grace Hanadarko. After two days, the couple marries and Fraser moves to Oklahoma City where he and Grace start a psychiatry practice in the stockyards next to a freewheeling, wiley lawyer named Rodney (played by Barry Switzer) and his son Lance (played by John Stamos). Lance is introduced to Grace's conservative christians sister, Ronda (played by Megan Mullally) and hilarity ensues. This concept will win several Emmys.
4. Liz Dueweke
Just kidding. She may be hotter than the inner-core of a freshly microwaved Hot Pocket, but we should keep Mean Dueweke as far away from OKC as possible.
5. Eddie Vedder
I'm for this just so we can see how long it takes before Eddie kicks Wayne Coyne's ass at The Hilo with a ukulele.
One thing that sucks about being in a landlocked state is that we never get fresh, quality seafood. Hell, the freshest crabs in Oklahoma City are usually found in Valley Brooke. This would solve that problem. We could keep them in Lake Stanley Draper or something.
7. Legal Marijuana
Out of all the items on this list, this is probably the least likely to happen. Oh well, at least we can still buy marijuana on an untaxed, unregulated, easy-to-access black market that supports drug cartels.
8. The Sounders
I think MLS would work in OKC, so maybe it's time we up our game and go after the Seattle Sounders. They're popular, beloved and would look good in the Energy's color scheme.
Anyway, that's our list. Any suggestions? Leave a comment.