Growing up, whenever my parents left the house, the first thing I would do is down half a bottle of orange-flavored chewable aspirins, chug a little vanilla extract and then chase my younger brother around the house with a loaded BB gun.
Luckily, somewhere around high school, I went down a different, more positive road—thanks, D.A.R.E.!—putting the BB gun and St. Joseph’s down and picking up the Cure's Disintegration and a pack of cloves instead.
Maybe that’s why I feel so deeply for Martin Lule Jr. Because, maybe, in an alternate universe, there but for the grace of God go I…
A man told police he was robbed of his money and clothes, shot at with a BB gun and beaten when he went to a house “to get high,” Oklahoma City police reported.
Police were called shortly before 4:30 a.m. Sunday in reference to a naked man who was bleeding from his face while standing on the corner of W Sheridan Avenue and N Villa Avenue.
They found Martin Lule Jr., 25, wearing a plastic bag as makeshift underwear, police reported.
Before I go on, I can truly attest to the durability of plastic bags as impromptu underpants—ask me about that incident at the 2012 State Fair piss-trough sometime. It taught me to always keep at least one extra pair in my back-pocket for emergencies.
Lule told police, “I’m an addict and I’m really high right now,” according to a police report. Lule said he went to a house near Sheridan and Villa to get high, and a black man with a star tattoo pointed a BB gun at him and said, “This is a robbery!”
The man with the BB gun started shooting at Lule and striking him with the gun, the report states. Two other people at the house also started beating him, Lule told police.
They took his belongings, removed his clothing and threw him over the fence naked, Lule said.
Police said Lule’s story “kept going back and forth not making any sense.” When police asked for the names of the people involved, Lule either refused to answer or said he did not remember, the police report states.
Lule was taken to a hospital to be treated for minor injuries, police reported.
Stoned or not, as a grown man, there is no reason to be afraid of a BB gun. Like I said earlier, I used to shoot my brother with them all the time, at close range, and the worst that happened is that he has a hard time with metal detectors and trust issues.
But, even then, drugs are supposed to make you feel powerful. Invincible. That’s why they are awesome. I’ll never forget the time my brother turned tables on me by downing a full bottle of Robitussin and shooting me with a hand-held mini-crossbow he bought from that one Asian dude who had that weapons booth at AMC Flea Market. What’s gave him the courage to fight back? Drugs.
And from that day forward, I never shot a BB gun at him again.
What's more depressing than drinking cough syrup on Xmas? Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler.