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This lady was arrested for being a really bad psychic…

1:09 PM EST on December 11, 2014

Sonia Marks

She never saw it coming...

The cards were wrong...

She bought her crystal ball from Sears...

Those are all awful, Facebook comment-level one-liners that popped in my head when I first read this story about local psychic Sonia Marks (pictured above). She was arrested by the Oklahoma County Sheriff yesterday due to charges that she defrauded people out of millions of dollars.

Here's the write-up from News 9. As a service to you, a loyal reader, I'm going to attempt to write the rest of this post without anymore bad jokes about psychic clichés.

Here we go:

A woman wanted in Ohio on a number of charges was arrested by deputies with the Oklahoma County Sheriff's office.

Authorities from Hamilton County, Ohio notified the Oklahoma County Sheriff's Office Warrant Team in mid-November that 50-year-old Sonia Marks, a self-confessed “Psychic”, was living in Oklahoma County.

Marks was wanted in Ohio for Grand Theft, Theft, and Engaging in a Pattern of Corrupt Activity. According to police officials in Ohio, those charges stem from a psychic scam Marks used to bilk victims out of nearly $1 million, dating back to 1994.

Apparently Marks couldn't divine the tea leaves about her own impending arrest. After the investigation was launched, deputies soon learned Marks lived and worked as a palm reader in the 6600 block of S. Western Ave.

WTF? Divine the tea leaves? I don't know if I should be embarrassed or proud about this, but I had no clue those were even a thing until I Googled it a few minutes ago. I just don't get into astrology, palm reading, mystical B.S., extended warranties at Best Buy and other known frauds. In fact, the only thing I know about the psychic profession is what I learned from watching Pee Wee's Big Adventure. The psychic in the movie was so dumb that she thought Pee Wee's bicycle was in the basement in the Alamo?! What an idiot!

Actually, that would be a good way to vet a psychic. Simply ask Ms. Cleo or Dionne Warwick if the Alamo has a basement. If they say "Yes," then ask if that cool breakfast machine from the beginning of Pee Wee's Big Adventure will ever become a reality? If they say "Yes" to that, well then you might have a keeper. If you're going to have a psychic, make sure they're ambitious.

Anyway, Madame Marks has a long, storied history of making shit up to people in exchange for money. At least I think she does. I did a little Google research and stumbled across this L.A. Times article from 1994. I'm not sure if Sonia Marks is to psychics as Alexis is to strippers, but it could be the same person. Regardless, the story brings up a good point. How can you convict a psychic of fraud when police departments have hired Sylvia Browne to find missing people, or shows like Medium have existed? Just because you're a bad psychic and wrong all the time and can make some shit up about someone's future, doesn't mean you shouldn't get paid.

I also stumbled across Sonia's profile on a psychic for hire website. Here it is:

oklahoma psychic 

Yes, if you need guidance for life's important "Dessions," give Sonia a call. She only charges 15-cents a minute.

oklahoma psychic  3

Apparently being a psychic doesn't help you predict the proper spelling of words. She probably thinks the red squiggly line underneath a word means it's possessed.

oklahoma psychic  2

The Barbrah Brennon School of Holistic Healing? Oddly enough, I think that's the same place Mike Morgan earned his meteorology degree. Too bad he's not 98.9% accurate.

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