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Jesus Christ left his wife at the Lawton El Chico…

jesus christ bar tab lawton

It's been a really weird news week for Oklahoma's armpit.

First came this story where some lady attacked a couple of men with beer cans and silverware because they wouldn't give her a free ride to a casino. I'll tell you, it's kind of sad what lengths people will go to just to lose money, drink free soda and smell like cigarettes and sadness. We should hook her up with that mad Uber driver.

That report was followed by this amazing gem that's going national. Kristi Rines, pictured above, the wife of Jesus Christ, was arrested when she wasn't able to pay her tab at the Lawton El Chico. Apparently, she and her husband were saving up money for some cosmetic dentistry. There are plenty of things Jesus can do on his own, but whitening teeth isn't one of them.


Strange moments for a local restaurant Friday night when one patron couldn't pay for her dinner or drinks.

Police say Kristi Rhines ordered several alcoholic drinks and food at El Chico in Lawton but later said she had no way to pay for them. She told managers her husband was on his way to pick up the tab.

When asked about her husband, she told them she was legally married to Jesus Christ, but had no marriage license. She also told management that Jesus would be able to walk in and produce U.S. currency to pay for her bill.

Police confirmed that Rhines had no way of paying for her tab. She was booked into the Lawton City Jail on a complaint of fraud.

As our co-founder Tony warned me via a text, someone is going to feel pretty damn silly when Jesus Christ walks in to pay that bar tab. Hopefully J.C. remembers that El Chico is still open.

Actually, wouldn't that be an awesome prank? Simply rent a Jesus costume and then walk into the Lawton El Chico and say you're there to pay for your wife's bar tab from a few weeks back. Then, while the hostess runs to grab a manager or priest, walk up to a random customer's table, grab a tortilla, and then ask them if they can see an outline of your mom in it. After they either faint or begin crying, tell them you're going to turn their queso into wine. I bet they'd get a kick out of that.

Of course, doing that comes with some risk. For example, what if the Real Jesus walks in and catches you? I bet he'd be pissed. He'd probably turn you into a sopapilla. Plus, it may not be a wise idea to travel to Lawton right now. Let's just say there is a mini-health crisis in town:

Oklahoma State Department of Health announces syphilis outbreak

Oklahoma State Department of Health officials say there has been a syphilis outbreak in Lawton and the surrounding areas.

Syphilis, a sexually transmitted disease, is a curable bacterial infection. Officials did express concern, however, that the disease could spread to counties beyond the initial area.

“The good news is syphilis can be identified by examination and testing, cured with antibiotics, and through disease investigation, the spread of syphilis can be stopped,” said Comanche County Health Department regional director Brandie O’Connor. “We want to encourage people to seek testing and treatment if they have been having unprotected sex. Free, confidential testing and treatment are available at local county health departments.”...

The people at high risk for syphilis due to this specific outbreak include men who have sex with men, people who have multiple sex partners, IV drug users and people who have sex with anonymous partners, including those met online,” O'Connor said.

Ha, no wonder Jesus left his wife at El Chico. Curing lepers and giving sight to the blind is one thing, but I don't think even he wants to mess with syphilis. That's disgusting.

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