Halloween is upon us, and unless you're diabetic, it's one of the funnest holidays of the year!
I used to enjoy having an excuse to check out girls in slutty outfits and drink and eat candy, but now that I have a kid I assume my Halloweens will be filled with making sure people aren't putting razor blades in food. I also have to stay vigilant against all the pedophiles that are apparently dressed like Iron Man.
So for the people out there who are still free to go out and party, Patrick and I want to give you some ideas on what Oklahoma-themed costumes to wear. Wear them to your party, the Halloween Parade, or whatever you'll be doing while I'm at home checking candy...
Vampire Native Hipster Boo Boo
The only thing better than shitting on the sanctity of marriage by being married and divorced multiple times in a year, is shitting on the culture of Native Americans. It's a pretty easy costume, just paint your face as white as a vampire and put on a sacred headdress.
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Oklahoma Islamaphobe
Go to Walmart and buy the best OU or OSU apparel you can find. Then go around telling everyone that you are a Christian while at the same time condemning all Muslims. You know, just like Jesus!
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Mary Fallin's Runaway Eyebrow
This shouldn't be too hard. There are plenty of plastic surgeons who can make it happen.
And if you're really into it, get your friend to wear one of those Mary Failin' t-shirts and go as a couple:
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Steven Adams
It's a great excuse to grow a mustache.
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Trevor Knight
This one is easy, dress up like an OU football player, and then play football like a Jehovah's Witness high on caffeine. For every touchdown you throw, you must throw one interception... also, don't run... ever.
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Fake Joe Dorman
So far, this guy has been the star of the 2014 gubernatorial campaign. Admit it, the first five or six times you watched that Mary Fallin campaign commercial you really thought it was Joe Dorman cruising through the countryside wishing that gal from the Rush Springs Watermelon Formal would return his phone call. It's not. It's actually just an actor who does too good of a job showing us how Real Joe Dorman behaves and acts when he has to drive to his parents and ask to borrow money.
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Real Joe Dorman
There's really not a big difference between Real and Fake Joe Dorman, because Fake Joe Dorman isn't an actor.
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Josh Sallee
This is another simple outfit. Wear a baseball cap backwards, a designer tee and some baggy jeans. Also, make sure you're being followed around by a dozen or so hot chicks.
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Emily Sutton's Clicker
Somehow Emily Sutton's clicker never works when she's on Rise and Shine on Freedom 43. Perhaps Freedom 43 doesn't have the budget to put batteries in their clickers.
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Oklahoman Photographer Chris Landsberger
This is a fun costume. Just walk around your party with a nice SLR camera and take pics of all the girls who are dressed in slutty costumes, which will probably be all of them. And don't forget. If you're going to be Chris, you also need a Nikki:
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OKC Black Mass Dude
I'm not sure what I like the most about Oklahoma City Black Mass guy. Is it that he probably rents his Satanic priest costume at the same place your girlfriend gets her slutty nurse outfit, or, as a reader pointed out, that he has an uncanny resemblance to Comic Book Guy:
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Anyway, those are our costume ideas. If you actually dress as one, send us pics. Share yours in the comments.
This post has been edited for clarity and assholieness.
