Skip to Content
Everything Else

We survived the Black Mass…

12:37 PM EDT on September 22, 2014

black mass

The devil had his day in Oklahoma City. Overall, it was kind of disappointing.

After a couple of months of "Maybe we can get our own publicity out of this" outrage from local politicians and religious leaders, the controversial Black Mass (a.k.a. "Magic: The Gathering" fan club meeting) took place last night at the Civic Center.

Despite the hopes and wishes of the local news media, there were no violent protests or lizard baby births. In fact, only one crazy lady was arrested at the semi-satirical, cartoony event. The whole thing was weird, anti-climatic and included a mini-concert by this band:

Come on Satanists, you can do better. That music is almost as bad as three white people from The Greens standing on stage singing "Glory, Glory" at Crossings church while a PowerPoint slide show flashes images of sunsets and waterfalls on the projection screens. Seriously, I don't care if you worship Jesus, the Devil or Gary England. Why does religious music have to be so awful?

If you watch or read one thing about the Black Mass, make sure it's this video from Yep, that's right. I'm suggesting you watch a video. Maybe the Black Mass worked and the Devil is now living inside my soul.

Here's the clip. The highlight takes place at about the 1:10 mark:

First of all, did you notice the video didn't have one of those annoying local commercials from that guy who sells Edmond? Maybe the Devil is cooler than we thought.

Anyway, how was Dave Morris able to narrate the entire video without laughing? I bet he's made one hell of a deal with the Devil. That would make sense and explain how he landed his hot ex-wife and / or Jaime Cerreta.

Also, what type of instrument was that Classen School of Advanced Studies dropout playing when he or she lost control of the mallet? Was it a cursed cymbal? It sounds like something you'd hear when a loser goes over in the Showcase Showdown on Hell's version of the Price Is Right.

Now that we all know a Black Mass is pretty easy to pull off and that the media and religious groups will actually take it seriously and give your group or cause tons of free publicity, expect them to become more common. In fact, I'm considering organizing one of our own. I think ours will be pretty cool. The only difference is that it will be held at the Myriad Gardens, and instead of worshipping the Devil and having a reverse exorcism, we'll have strippers, a keg of beer and maybe even get Josh Sallee to perform his new style of Goth Devil Rap. Basically, it will be fun and meet the Devil's expectations.

Stay in touch

Sign up for our free newsletter