Dear Seattle,
On Wednesday, The Oklahoman's sports columnist Jenni Carlson wrote you an open letter.
On behalf of everyone in Oklahoma City, I'd like to say "We're sorry."
For some reason, Jenni thinks she's the voice of Oklahoma City.
Let me be clear on this: she's not.
Most of us don't really care for her articles. Most of us no longer read them.
Please don't associate her with us.
Pretty please?
Once again, I'm sorry for her open letter.
We know what you're going through.
After reading it, you probably finished your coffee, opened the umbrella, and asked "Why's she trying to compare the Seattle Seahawks to the theft of the Super Sonics? They're both teams from Seattle. That's the only correlation. Did she have a point? Does she think she's smart or is she just trolling us? What have we done to deserve this? Haven't we been through enough?"
Only Jenni Carlson and God knows the answers to those questions.
We've tried to answer them in the past but have been unable.
You see, we've had to deal with Jenni Carlson's slobber knocking sports columns, open letters and one sentence paragraphs for over a decade.
We know what's it like to read them and be punished by words.
Over time, we've developed a slow immunity to them like they're iocane powder.
You have not. That's why I have an idea.
Let's trade.
You can have Jenni Carlson and develop an immunity to her columns that generally lack a point and read like something you'd see in the high school newspaper.
I hope you like one sentence paragraphs.
In return, you'll overnight us a couple of pounds of fresh crab legs.
Sound like a plan?
We'll even include Landry Jones, Whitney Hand and some banned Old Jenni Carlson T-Shirt Coffee Mugs.
That way she can get adjusted.
Of course, you're probably wondering why make that trade? Who would take a bad sports columnist over crab legs?
One sentence paragraphs?
The truth is, I have no clue.
Just like Jenni does with her columns, it looks like I've backed myself into a corner and don't have a way out.
Fortunately, one sentence paragraphs let you easily change direction and refocus.
Maybe Jenni can build toughness in your sports community? It will give coaches, fans and players the power to feel like you can read and put up with anything.
Plus, she's not a bad features writer.
I'm sure she'd love to write about being a Sounders fan.
She's good for the profiles on athletes who have overcome obstacles in life. The articles where she doesn't have to try to be witty and funny.
Just keep her away from columns.
So what do you say, Seattle? Do we have a deal?
Think about it.
And once again, please remember that we're sorry.
