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10 ways Nichols Hills can raise money to cover budget shortfalls…

nichols hillsplaza

It seems that Nichols Hills Plaza is too big to fail... at least for the city of Nichols Hills.

The Chesapeake owned plaza has created a $500,000 shortfall in the city's budget, and those costs are going to be passed on to the taxpayers. I'll go ahead and get this out-of-the-way, "It's that DAMNED OBAMA'S FAULT!"

Via News 9:

The financial woes of the Chesapeake-owned Nichols Hills Plaza is creating a 20 to 30 percent shortfall in the City of Nichols Hills' budget. City officials say that deficit is forcing them to make difficult decisions to raise money.

At the Nichols Hills Plaza shopping area near N.W. 63rd and Western, businesses have left and less money is being collected in sales tax revenue, according to the city...

More than half of the area is now vacant, forcing shoppers' dollars away from Nichols Hills. It has resulted in a half million-dollar budget deficit.

"For retail sales, the Nichols Hills Plaza is one of our principle places that we historically have obtained our taxes," Mayor Steve Goetzinger told News 9.

Chesapeake Energy is trying to sell the area, which is creating an uncertain environment for store owners who pay rent to the energy company. Goetzinger is anxiously waiting for the future owners to start leasing as soon as possible.

Goetzinger says the city's slice of the pie goes to pay firefighters, police officers and other public employees. Already, Nichols Hills has been forced to cut positions, according to a letter sent to residents from the city. Now, city leaders are looking at increasing utility rates.

"We have not made a final decision as to what will be increased and what will be left alone," Goetzinger said.

I used to enjoy getting coffee from the Starbucks in the Plaza. Not so much anymore, I don't feel comfortable parking my Hyundai there and then dealing with the condescending stares of middle-aged Stepford Wives. I've tried to apologize to them for not marrying better or being born into money, but they don't seem to care.

Regardless, I'm a sympathetic man and don't want to see Nichols Hills go under. I've come up with a few fundraising ideas to help the city raise money to make up for their budget shortfall:turner-turnpike

1) Make Pennsylvania Avenue a toll road

Not for the citizens, of course. Just anyone else that wants to cruise through the neighborhood at the break-neck speed of 15mph.



2) Trick or Treater Tax

Nichols Hills residents must be tired of the poor, unwashed masses busing their children into their city for free candy. Well, here is a way you can continue to put the tax burden on the poor and middle class! When a child comes to your house for Halloween candy, you give them one (1) piece of Candy Corn and then hand them a bill for $3.25. If they refuse to pay, you are allowed to shoot them for trespassing.



3) Stricter enforcement of speed limits

Hahahaha! JK guys, that's not possible.



4) Rename the city Larry Nichols' Hills

Word around town is that if you name something after him, he'll give you money. Patrick should have named this site "Larry Nichols is a fucking badass." We'd all be rich.


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5) Immigration fines

You know how Republican's want to secure our border and hate "illegals"? Well, if they are caught employing an "illegal" for yard work, house work, or any other kind of work, they will be forced to pay a fine of $1.00. I figure after a week of really cracking down, we could raise enough money to save the plaza.



6) Sell Girl Scout Cookies

Since you are in Nichols Hills there will be a premium for these cookies. I'm thinking you take one box of Thin Mints to Harold Hamm and sell them to him for a half million-dollars. Easy peasy.


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7) Sell their gold-plated sewer system for cash!

I knew it was a bad idea when they were installing it, gold is such a soft metal. One rock-hard, bran-fiber turd wrecks the system.


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8) Village hunting trip raffle

For $100 you can enter for the chance to hunt the most dangerous game known to man... man. That's right, we will fly you to the Village and set a hobo loose at Britton and May. The winner then has 24 hours to hunt and kill the said hobo. Be careful, he usually hides in that weird drainage creek. Also, watch out for the locals who live south of Britton.


9) Have a debutante ball

Wait, you already have one. Instead of breeding children for sport, and parading them around in fancy gowns, pitch in some money to save a local, mom-and-pop, Chesapeake owned plaza.


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10) Say 'screw it' and just cut benefits and fire some workers.

That's also the easiest way.


If you would like to read more rants against the rich, follow @SpencerLenox on Twitter.

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