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How to carve a pumpkin when you’re high on meth…

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Free candy from strangers, poor kids being bused into affluent neighborhoods for handouts, drunk girls dressing in skimpy outfits - it's everything that is wrong with society being celebrated in one night. And I love it! One of the traditions I love most about Halloween is the carving of pumpkins. You can put in a lot of hard work to make a masterpiece that will either be smashed by some asshat teenagers or will slowly rot on your front porch.

You've probably already seen pumpkin patches popping up around town. If those patches are at a Methodist church, those pumpkins probably came from New Mexico.


NORMAN — It's pumpkin time again, with an ample crop available this year for decorating or eating.

The annual Pumpkin Patch at McFarlin Memorial United Methodist Church, 419 S University Blvd., offers a bountiful selection of orange, as well as white, pumpkins in all shapes and sizes.

The pumpkins, which range in price from $1 to $25, are grown on American Indian land in New Mexico and sold predominantly to United Methodist churches.

Open from 9:30 a.m. until dark Mondays through Saturdays, the sale will continue throughout October, with proceeds benefiting the church's music programs.

So Breaking Bad goes off the air and suddenly Oklahoma gets a shipment of pumpkins from New Mexico to be sold at METHodist churches. Seems fishy to me. And why can't we grow our own pumpkins in Oklahoma? These damn new MEXICANS are taking our pumpkin growing jobs!

Remember how Gus would ship his meth in the El Pollos Hermanos fried chicken batter? Maybe this is the new delivery method. Pumpkin flavored meth, white girls would love it!

If these pumpkins are really just vehicles for meth from the New Mexican drug trade, I would like to share with you some ideas, tips and tricks to have the best pumpkin experience this season while you're on a four-day bender.

1.) Actually try to make a good pumpkin carving

Look at those details! The amount of time and energy it would take to do this can only be accomplished with a hit of "Sooner Slimfast." That's the name I'm giving to my brand of meth. I'm not quite sure who the one in the top left corner is supposed to be, kinda looks like Lindsay Lohan if she used to be a dude. Also, if something isn't perfect, don't be afraid to criticize the hell out of it. Hey, if you can't do it, it's not worth doing.

I would recommend not using meth until you're in hour 8 of carving, otherwise you'll start to get the shakes, and that will kill the detail needed for a good design.


2.) If you can't make it good, make it funny

Humor makes people see past mistakes (something I should take to heart in my posts). Look at the above photo. Simple holes and the goo inside the pumpkin are all you need. Incidentally, that's not a bad way to describe how a meth head looks after years of drug use. They're just some simple holes with goo coming out.

Now, remember this has been done ad nauseum (get it!) so maybe try something less hacky. Maybe make a butt with the inside of the pumpkin coming out. That's right, I want you to carve a pumpkin that is pooping its insides on your porch. Thank me later.


3.) Safety first

You need to be careful when working with vegetables. Word on the street is that they are healthy if ingested. Make sure you are carving a pumpkin and not a human ass taking respite at the state fair. This can be difficult for a drug addict to differentiate. Carving pumpkins doesn't smell good, and neither does cutting into someone's butt. I assume if you are a meth head, bad smell might not bother you.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding. If you like to share dirty needles and smoke meth, safety isn't priority number one.


4.) Take before and after pictures

If you have Instagram, you know that you can take photos of the food you are about to eat, the weights you are about to lift (seriously, I saw a dude do this at the gym) and the pumpkins you are about to carves. It's a great way to track your progress. While you're at it, take a #selfie. I can't get enough of seeing the devastating effects of meth!


5) If you can't afford a pumpkin, just hallucinate one 

Which is better, buying a pumpkin and carving it and setting it on your porch for the world to see, or hallucinating that you did all that stuff while you lay in your own filth? Word of warning, if you chose the latter it might morph into something resembling Santa Clause without a face that is trying to get inside of your brain to take control of your body.


That final picture is a great analogy of what meth will do to you. A meth addict and a pumpkin aren't so different - you start out looking great, you even have a new light burning inside you. But as time passes you're just a hollow, rotting shell of your former self. Kids, get high on hugs, not drugs. And if you are looking for a hugs dealer, I'm your man. Follow me on Twitter @SpencerLenox to score a free hit of hugs.

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