Yesterday, I published this photo that recently appeared on BuzzFeed:
Here are some random things I had to say about it:
- If Brittany Novotony ever becomes a stripper, Sparkle Titsworth should totally be her stage name. Spencer would love that.
- What would happen if Sparkle Titworth married Romeo Cocksworth? Would the universe collapse upon itself eliminating all matter? Probably.
- The Dental Depot should hire Sparkle Titsworth as a spokesperson to compete with the Tulsa Dentist that hired Sweet Brown. Sparkle could ride around on a little train and say things “I got the gum disease gingivitis! Aint nobody got time for that!”...
Anyway, if you know Sparkle and can send us a pic of the two of you drinking a Big Gulp in front of 7-11, I’ll give you a TLO ink pen. I’ll do the same if you can send us better pics of Tiffany Titsworth. Screw it, just send us pics of any Titsworth you know. We’ll have a Titsworth day at TLO or something.
No one sent us a pic of Sparkle chugging a Big Gulp, and we didn't get any new pics of Tiffany Titsworth either, but I did learn that Sparkle Titsworth is a D-list local celebrity/legend. After we released that post, I received emails, texts, Facebook messages, Twitter DMs and even a phone call (that's a big deal nowadays) from people sharing their Sparkle Titsworth stories and experiences. Here's an example:
Shit you not, my friend worked with her (Sparkle Titsworth) for years in air-traffic control at Will Rogers Int'l. I made him bring me a schedule with her name on it to prove she was real, and now he shares her "classic Sparkle" status updates with me quite frequently.
No offense to the Mike Monroney family, but I propose we immediately change the name of the Oklahoma City FAA facility to the Sparkle Titsworth Aeronautical Center and Western Heritage Museum. That has a much better ring to it.
Anyway, we received several pics of Sparkle from her Facebook Page. Because we kind of respect her privacy, I'm only posting this one of her receiving the $1,000 in free 7-11 gasoline:
I can tell just from looking at that photo that Sparkle Titsworth awesome. I want to take her to dinner and hear her life story. Maybe if we had time, we could go to Norman and look for Lucy Sparkles. Wouldn't it be awesome if Sparkle Titsworth found Lucy Sparkles? Also, I think we should hook up Sparkle up with Brent Skarky. I think he's single now. If they got married, his name would then be Brent Skarky Titsworth. That would be awesome.
The other development in this story is that I've now all but confirmed that I have a powerful sixth sense. Seriously, I have this weird ability to summon people out of the blue and make inadvertent predictions (i.e. The Ogle Influence). Remember this little line I wrote:
- If Brittany Novotony ever becomes a stripper, Sparkle Titsworth should totally be her stage name. Spencer would love that.
In case you have a really poor memory, Brittany is the transgendered attorney who ran against Sally Kern for the State House in 2010. We had not written about Brittany on this site for a while, so I thought it would be a random funny reference. Plus, I thought it would make Spencer happy. When I typed it up, I had no clue about this:
Yes, Brittany Novotny (I spelled it correctly this time) and Sparkle Titsworth graduated in the same class at Westmoore. Here's a pic that an Ogle Mole sent to me from the Westmoore yearbook. It was from when Brittany was known as Billy:
What the hell is wrong with me?! I didn't ask for these bizarre summoning powers. Why couldn't I have been blessed with elite athletic ability instead? It's cool and everything to be able to unconsciously predict the remodels of old Taco Buenos and such, but I would be cooler to be able to dunk a basketball. Perhaps I need to figure out how to harness and control these supernatural abilities for the better of mankind? That would be a good idea. The first item of business is to get someone to make a Watermelon Land Amusement Park for me and JoJo. I think that would impress her quite a bit. Hopefully it happens soon.
