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10 reasons why medical marijuana should be legal in Oklahoma

5:45 AM EDT on July 12, 2012

According to the always reliable Wikipedia, 19 states have either legalized medicinal marijuana or decriminalized it. Now thanks to Constance Johnson, the Senator behind the "every sperm is sacred" amendment to the Personhood Act, the Oklahoma Senate is actually going to take a look at the issue.

From News 9:

Advocates for medical marijuana say they are finally making progress into legalization here in Oklahoma. The head of the Oklahoma Senate has approved a study into the issue.

Senator Constance Johnson says this is the first progress on the issue since she first introduced it in 2006. She plans to call Doctors, experts, patients and advocates to testify.

"There are a lot of people in Oklahoma who are interested in this issue and they're finally getting a voice in the process," she said.

"I think we should leave it up to the medical community to decide what to use to help people," said attorney David Slane says he has represented a client in Oklahoma who's doctor recommended medical marijuana.

"It's not medicine," argues Mark Woodward with the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics.

He says his agency will ask to testify at the hearing.

"The bottom line is the whole medical marijuana movement is recreational pot smokers looking for loopholes in the law so they can recreationally smoke it whenever they want," Woodward said.

Senator Brian Crain, head of the Health and Human Services committee still has to grant the hearing. He tells News 9 he is looking into how much time it will take.

Senator Crain says he hopes to make a decision this week if and when he will hold that hearing.

First of all, let me respond to Captain Mark Woodfucker. Of course you don't want medical marijuana to be legalized! You're a bully who works for Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics! You're a fun-hater who makes a living by trying to arrest people who want to relieve stress, enjoy life and not feel ashamed about eating a king size bag of peanut M&M's while watching Super Troopers.

And yes, most people who want "medicinal" marijuana legalized are simply "recreational pot smokers." They are also smart, rational and logical people who realize marijuana has more in common with a nice cigar than it does a bag of heroin, and that by making it available via a prescription, you're one step closer to legalization and regulation instead of jail time and a criminal record.

Anyway, I decided to list some reasons why medicinal marijuana should be legalized in the Sooner state. Some of them are pretty basic and straightforward, while other ones may be a little more abstract and require being stoned to understand.

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1. Less non-violent offenders will be put in jail and prisons.

Oklahoma has a problem with prison overcrowding and high incarceration rates. If medicinal marijuana was legalized, fewer people would be serving time in jail or prison. One of those people is Patricia Spottedcrow, a 25-year old mother of four with no prior criminal record who was sentenced to 12 years in prison for selling $31 in pot to undercover cops.

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2. Smoking marijuana helps people interpret the tweets of Dean Blevins. 

I don't smoke marijuana and never will because D.A.R.E. worked on me (have I mentioned some of my relatives read this blog), but Clark Matthews is a regular user of the wacky tobacky. He says it helps him do many things, like see the checkerboard in four dimensions and better understand Dean Blevins's tweets. Since Dean Blevins' tweets fly over my head, I'll consider that a positive thing.

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3. Less money goes to gangs, drug cartels and organized crime.

If you've ever purchased weed in Oklahoma, there's about an 80% chance that you are buying weed that was grown in Mexico or California and controlled by gangs or drug cartels. If medicinal marijuana was legalized, less money would support those cartels and would instead support local farmers, businesses and potheads.

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4. You can finally say you have something in common with young Kevin Ogle.

Dear God, just look at the pot-smoking Viking warlock giant. I think I'm stoned just from looking at that pic. If marijuana wasn't smoked either five minutes before or after that photograph was taken then I'm a manatee named George.

Seriously, look at that thing. Tall Scandinavian Ogle brother wearing a cowboy hat, basketball jersey and daisy dukes. Check. Psychedelic black-light poster?? Check Check. Weird buckets on the back patio of a college apartment??? Exhale.

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5. Taxation and Regulation

I know Republicans hate taxation and regulation, but they also love "sin taxes." And just think of the sin tax you could place on medicinal marijuana. It's estimated that California earns close to $100,000,000 a year just in basic sales tax revenues from medicinal marijuana sales. California is about 10-times larger than Oklahoma, so our revenues wouldn't be close to that, but even $10,000,000 would be $10,000,000 more than our state collects in sales taxes from marijuana sales.

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6. Science Museum Oklahoma The Omniplex will become fun again.

When you're a sober grown up, Science Museum Oklahoma The Omniplex is pretty boring, but according to Clark Matthews it can be a blast when you're stoned. Although he did mention to stay away from the shadow wall , echo tube and earthquake exhibit. He also told me the astronaut ice cream is a good snack if you had the munchies.

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7. Attract high-profile free agents to the Oklahoma City Thunder

Eventually, the Oklahoma City Thunder is going to have to pursue a high-profile free agent. Since NBA players smoke more marijuana in one day than all other professional sports leagues combined, legalizing pot will only help our chances.

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8. Helps you better cope with the pain of knowing that your 25-year-old, recently annulled daughter eloped in Arkansas with an eccentric sushi chef.

This leads too...

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9. Actual Medicinal Use

This is kind of boring, but their some actual medicinal uses for marijuana. THC is one of the only known chemicals that helps reduce nausea while increasing appetite. That's a good thing for cancer patients going through chemotherapy or people who have HIV. Marijuana has also been linked to help with anxiety, pain, depression, insomnia, and glaucoma. In some cases, it's also been known to help bloggers come up with bizarre post ideas and make some people think they can fly or learn how to play the drums.

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10. Helps you better cope with the pain of knowing that you're about to lose in the "Best of OKC" to a damn coupon card website.

At least that's what I heard.

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Anyway, that's my list. And I was able to make it through the entire thing without some lame Wayne Coyne reference. Go me!

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