As you probably know, Charles Barkley is finally making his long-awaited and extremely overhyped visit to Oklahoma City.
During his trip, we are offering a $1 bounty for any photograph of Charles Barkley doing something around town. It could be something touristy like having a steak at Cattleman's or touring the Cowboy Hall of Fame, or it could be something a bit unusual like Chuck beating up the Video Vigilante and running away with his camera.
In addition to the $1 general bounty, we also have some special requests. We're upping the payouts if you can snap and submit to us a picture of Charles Barkley doing one the following things:
$2: Checking into the Skirvin
This one's pretty simple. We just want a photo of Sir Charles checking into his hotel room. If he's checking into a different hotel, we'll pay you $4. If he's checking Jaime Cerreta into a hotel, we'll pay $6.
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$3: Holding some golf ball size hail
Dear person who posts pictures of hail to the internet,
We get it. It hailed. Big fucking deal. We've all seen hail before and don't need to look at it on your Facebook wall or Twitter feed. Seriously, we could care less. We don't feel sorry for you and we don't think it's cool. In fact, we think it's annoying. And if you emailed a hail pic to a local news channel, we all hope that the hail totaled your car and that you didn't have full coverage.
Sincerely,
Everyone
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$4: Enjoying some ice cream with Gan Matthews
The last time we had a photo bounty was when we wanted pics from Gan Matthews retirement party. Sure enough, the Ogle Mole Network came through and sent us $23 worth of photos. That broke our 2011 photo budget by $22.
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$5: Hanging out with black people
This is what Barkley said during the 2006 All-Star Game:
“Oklahoma is nothing but vast wasteland. No place for black people. The Oklahoma Sooners and the Hornets are the only brothers in town.”
Hey, I literally have several black friends and they seem to enjoy it here. In fact, I usually...
Editor's Note: Originally, Patrick completed that sentence with a funny, tongue-in-cheek joke about African Americans and marijuana, but decided against writing it because he doesn't want to be labeled a racist.
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$8: Getting drunk with Barry Switzer
If you're an out-of-town celebrity, I think it's required that you knock back a few with Barry Switzer and listen to him drunkenly tell old recruiting stories from the 1970s and 80s. Or better yet, old sex orgy stories from the 1970s and 80s.
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$11: Pretending to help that statue guy push the big ball up the ramp in Bricktown
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$14: Giving Scoot Brooks a noogie
Apparently Scott Brooks and Charles Barkley were teammates when they played for the Rockets. I know this because Charles Barkley brings it up every damn time he talks about the Thunder. Also, the Thunder relies too much on jump shoots and needs a big guy who can score.
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$18: Flirting with Jaime Cerreta or Mike Stoops at Groovy's
According to the Ogle Mole Network, Jaime Cerreta was the blonde from Channel 25 that Mike Stoops was flirting with at Groovy's. I have no clue if that's true or not, but if it is, I predict OU will go 7-5 next season.
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$23: Eating a Three Cheese Ziti Marinara Smart Ones in your company break room
Since Charles Barkley decided to act like a 47-year-old woman and join Weight Watchers, he should do what 47-year-old women do and stink up your company break room by microwaving one of those nasty Smart Ones frozen dinners.
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$30: Climbing to the top of the Devon Tower with Deeda Payton clasped in his hands
We'll pay an extra $20 if you get a picture of Steve Lackmeyer taking a photo of Charles climbing the tower, or if you get a pic from inside the cockpit of one of the biplanes as they try to take Charles down.
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$38: Taking topless photographs of Kate Upton at the Myriad Gardens
Why the hell not.
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$45: Planking on the Milk Bottle building
When the planking craze took over last summer, how did this idea not occur to anyone? When planking becomes "cool" again in 20 years, someone should do that. Or Charles should do it on his visit. We can even borrow one of those cranes on the Chesapeake campus to help lift him.
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$50: Driving around the corner to get a blow job
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$75: Punching Regular Jim Traber
Charles Barkley is a big out-of-shape dude, but I bet he could still pack a punch. And nothing would be better than to see him pack a punch on Regular Jim Traber.
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$100: Hugging Cardboard Jim Traber
CJ is a huge Barkley fan and would love nothing more than to take a picture with him. Can someone in the Ogle Mole Network make this happen...please?
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Once again, if you get an pics of Charles Barkley having fun in OKC, send them our way. Thanks.
