The five worst college towns in Oklahoma
10:00 AM EDT on April 17, 2012
Oklahoma has lots of universities and colleges. Probably too many for our sparsly populated state. Regardless of what you think of Tulsa, Stillwater or Norman, they will not be on this list. Those universities are big enough to make even the crappiest town in Oklahoma a fun place. This list is about college towns that have nothing to offer their students when they are not in class or just stupid schools.
Here we go, the five worst college towns in Oklahoma:
5. Shawnee, Oklahoma
College(s): Oklahoma Baptist University and St. Gregory's University.
Why it sucks: My hometown and alma mater are number five because it's where I grew up. If I was being honest with myself, it should probably be number three or four. Shawnee has a church for every slot machine in Firelake Grand Casino. This is to make sure no citizen of Shawnee will see the fires of hell. Shawnee wouldn't be a terrible place if it weren't for the judgmental students that OBU attracts. Seriously, I don't care that you are learning to play Christian music on an acoustic guitar, quit judging me!
Redeeming factors: The faculty is great at OBU. But this is changing as the Oklahoma Baptist General Convention continues to take control of OBU. There is more in-depth coverage of this here. Another saving factor for Shawnee is St. Gregory's, which is Catholic University with a strange fascination with artists who make mask. Plus the student body that isn't judgmental. St. Greg's is awesome.
Interesting fact: If you live in Shawnee for more than five years, you are given a church!
4. Moore, Oklahoma
College: Hillsdale Freewill Baptist College
Why it sucks: Ever driven through Moore and wondered why it smells like the poop holocaust? It's because this college has an open sewer! Nothing like smelling the waste of 226 college kids on a steady diet of Taco Bell. It might not be entirely the open sewer's fault, it could be the lingering body odor of Toby Keith.
Redeeming factors: Ummm... I guess the stench hasn't crept it's way into Oklahoma City, so that's something.
Interesting fact: Randy Terrell is a member of their faculty. Seriously.
3. Langston, Oklahoma
College: Langston University
Why it sucks: It's a town of roughly 1,800 people. Langston sucks because there is nothing there. Seriously, go there sometime... you'll be begging for the excitement of taking a historic tour of downtown Guthrie.
Redeeming factor: The school has an amazing band. Also, Guthrie is pretty close.
Interesting fact: Dennis Haysbert, the voice of AllState Insurance and actor on The Unit, is the brother of former Langston President Joann Haysbert.
2. Ada, Oklahoma
College: East Central University
Why it sucks: During my college years I would travel to Ada to visit all three of my friends. The highlight was going bowling. That's it. Bowling. Plus, Ada is the birthplace of Oral Roberts. When scouting locations for Oral Roberts University, even Oral said, "Shit, this town has nothing going on." Plus, the cops in Ada are dicks. They will find any reason to pull you over, things like going 4mph over the speed limit, failure to use turn signal, vehicular manslaughter, you know, petty shit.
Redeeming factors: Ummm... Blake Shelton is from Ada. And they used to have a big cage filled with monkeys.
Interesting fact: Ada likes to wrongly convict people of rape and murder!
1. Alva, Oklahoma
College: Northwestern Oklahoma State University
Why it sucks: Did you know America has a butthole? It's true, and it's located in Alva, Oklahoma! I spent many weekends in Alva watching my buddy play football by himself. I'm not sure how, but Alva has the worst weather in the state. In the summer, it's always 110 degrees. In the winter, it's -110 degrees. What is there to do in Alva, well, if you like looking at sand, you can travel to the Little Sahara State Park, but that's about it. Alva is so small, it only has one Yellow Page. It has a massage parlor, but it's self-service. The Dairy Queen has herpes.
Redeeming factor: None
Interesting fact: The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the english language. This has nothing to do with Alva, because Alva has no interesting facts.
If you know of any high school student that are looking at schools in Oklahoma, make sure they read this post. I would hate to know that our future leaders knowingly spent their college years in one of these towns. Or tell them to follow me on Twitter, @SpencerLenox.