Actually, that headline is a lie. Sean Sutton was arrested, but probably with normal things in his pockets. I was just trying to find a clever way to tie together two of the weirder new stories that came out of Oklahoma last week. I probably failed. Here are the details of those stories:
Sean Sutton Arrested on Drug Complaints
Former Oklahoma State basketball head coach Sean Sutton obtained prescription drugs from two women he met in a drug rehabilitation center, according to a law enforcement affidavit.
Payne County District Attorney Robert Hudson said that he anticipates filing charges against Sutton Tuesday of obtaining a controlled dangerous substance by fraud, possession of Oxycontin, attempted possession of Adderral and Clonazepam, and use of a communication device "” a cell phone "” to commit a felony.
Sutton was arrested Thursday following an investigation by the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. He was released on $10,000 bond about 3:30 p.m. Friday on the condition that he go to a treatment center, Hudson said.
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Oklahoma City man with '666' tattoo on his head arrested with disturbing contents in his pockets.
Police found marijuana last week in the pants pocket of a man with the number "666" tattooed on his forehead. But it was what else they found in the pockets of 47-year-old Scott Brian Bradley that concerned them.
According to the police report, Bradley's jacket pockets contained:
Numerous pictures of young girls.
Four pair of women's panties
Three used condoms and one unused condom.
A 3-inch vibrator
Women's jewelry
A 1988 Topps Jim Traber Baseball Card*
A camera memory card
A shaving razor
A small plastic wire loop
A small children's rubber toy lizard
These stories are pretty sad and weird. But know what would be sadder and weirder? If we were able to have Sean Sutton and the creepy transient drifter dude fight each other in one of those MTV claymation-style Celebrity Death Matches.
Actually, that wouldn't be sad or weird. That would be cool!
At the beginning of the fight, I bet the drifter would try to hit Sean Sutton in the head with his 3-inch vibrator, but Sean Sutton would fight back with a cheese log. After that, the drifter would take out the used condoms and fling them at Sean using the panties and toy lizard as a slingshot. Sean would then take 10 Adderall "” giving him super speed "” and dodge the STD-coated latex projectiles. While this went on, a drunk Eddie Sutton would stumble sneak into the ring and hit the drifter in the back of the head with a chair and the fight would be over. Eddie Sutton would then drive off and get in a wreck.
Anyway, that's just an idea. If anyone around here knows how to make claymation stuff, you should start on this project immediately.
* That was another lie.
