Why North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma…and Why McNellie’s Pub is Better Than North Korea.
2:00 AM EDT on June 3, 2009
The North Koreans leaders are doing everything they can to ensure that the US and the Japanese turn their little hermit kingdom into a great place to harvest glass. So, before our cold war turns hot (you did know that we are in an active state of war with North Korea, right?) I figured we'd better pay homage to those things that, unfortunately, make North Korea better than Oklahoma.
However...there is one thing in Oklahoma that is definitely better than North Korea. Whether you're in Tulsa or OKC, you've probably made a pass through one of the McNellie's. Now, even though a McNellie's has a very high douche bag potential, the beer is cold, the food is worth the trip, and both the service and company is, well, attractive. If we're gonna discuss ways North Korea is better than Oklahoma, we need to discuss why a McNellie's Pub is better than North Korea - and there are a lot of reasons why McNellie's is better than North Korea.
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because They Can Make Nuclear Weapons: The North Koreans have consistently pursued weapons of mass destruction, including constructing a nuclear power facility to produce fissionable material. The nearest nuclear weapon production facility to Oklahoma is in Amarillo, Texas. We don't even have a nuclear reactor, and given the GOP trend in this state, I doubt the Obama administration will let us have one any time soon. God forbid for the Democrats that Oklahoma go nuclear. The nearest thing Oklahoma has produced like a nuclear bomb is probably the movie "Beer For My Horses."
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because It's Owned By A Guy Named Eliot(t): Elliott Nelson is a Tulsa entrepreneur who is trying to make aggressive moves in the food service industry. I just wish he'd learn to spell his name right. With McNellie's he has a hit - D's and R's and journalists all like the place in OKC, which should help us keep liquor excluded from systematic GOP efforts to eradicate fun in Oklahoma. Kim Jong-Il, meanwhile, is a total douche.
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because North Koreans Have Way Cooler Uniforms Than The Oklahoma Highway Patrol: The one thing I learned growing up on Saint Kitts, watching James Bond movies, is that the Commies had great uniforms. Now, really, would you rather get pulled over by guys dressed like this, or take directions from the stylish and glamorous Democratic People's Republic of Korea Highway Patrol? Then, of course, there are the DPRK Army Babes . . .
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because It's Easier to Get In: If you've ever been to the Korean demilitarized zone, you've seen the problem of getting into North Korea. They've got these hard, mean-looking guys with AK-47's marching around. Hell, they'd sooner shoot you as check your ID. At McNellie's, they wave you in and yell to Cammy to get you a beer. Shoot, they even let conservative blogger Michael Bates come in for a burger.
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because They Have Mass Transit Trains: Oklahoma's guru of rail, Tom Elmore, would love Pyongyang! They have a seventeen-stop subway system that uses recycled East German train cars to move the Joyous And Happy People of the Democratic People's Republic all around Pyongyang. And, as a consequence, they also have virtually no traffic, which makes Pyongyang look a lot like downtown Tulsa on Saturday night.
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because McNellie's is a Regional Power: Unlike North Korea, McNellie's is able to project force beyond their home base. Elliott started with a bar at 1st and Elgin in Tulsa, and pretty soon he was headed into Oklahoma City to land on Classen Avenue. Word is that he is looking to project power into other smaller regional markets like Omaha and Wichita.
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because Their Leader Can Manipulate Time and Space: According to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, Kim Jong Il, son of the Great Leader and Eternal President Kim Il-Sung, has the ability to manipulate Time and Space . This must be how he manages to make three or four holes-in-one every time he plays golf. I think I once saw Governor Brad Henry parallel park his SUV in just two tries.
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because Better Access to Health Care: In North Korea, the healthcare system will be glad to tell you why your medical supplies disappeared in the black market. At the McNellie's in Oklahoma City, if you really, really find that you need a doctor, the odds are that there is one in the house - the joint is right next to Saint Anthony's hospital. This means that you can still see "Saints In Action," which is sure to ail what cures you. Bet they don't have dancing drinking doctors in North Korea.
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because China Will Trade With North Korea: The North Koreans are getting about $1.5 billion a year in trade subsidies from the People's Republic of China. In the meantime, we are unable to get the Chinese to follow through on a deal to build sports cars here in Oklahoma. Hey China! We can use $1.5 billion and we won't shoot off nukes either!
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because McNellie's Makes a Profit: North Korea only survives because of an estimated $2 billion a year in food and fuel subsidies from China. McNellie's buys their beer and food wholesale, and makes an estimated $10 million per restaurant. $2 billion is enough to cover the bar tab of all Oklahomans for at least, oh, six months. We could open three McNellie's in every county in Oklahoma!
North Korea is Better Than Oklahoma Because North Korea's Capital Has a Giant Skyscraper Convention Hotel: The Ryugyong Hotel is a 105-story, 1,100 foot tall skyscraper in the middle of downtown Pyongyang. It kind of looks like Princess Ardala's warship from Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, which gives me an excuse to link to this photo. The North Koreans were hoping to attract casino gambling and western investment. Anyhow, the Ryungyong has a seven story rotating restaurant on top, but no power to rotate it, and all the windows are not yet installed. No word yet on whether or not this is what the Devon Tower will eventually look like, but maybe if we combine it with the MAPS-III proposal (AKA "A Tax In Search of a Project"), we can get a combined corporate tower/ convention hotel/ casino too! Mayor Mick, are you listening?
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because Two Words: Pub Run! If you don't know what a Hash Run (or a Harrier Run) is, then this is a good reason to train in September and October and then go to the Tulsa McNellie's in November. A Hash Run is a run where you get to drink booze. You drink a pint of beer or ale at the start line, then drink another pint at a different pub every mile and then down two more at the four-mile finish line. McNellie's ran their inaugural Pub Run in 2008, with Guinness as the beer of choice for the Hashers and Harriers. No word on the chunder rate, but I assume it was not insubstantial.
And Finally . . .
McNellie's Pub is Better than North Korea Because . . . did I mention Cammy? And, besides, you have to come to Oklahoma to go to McNellie's.
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