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Oklahoma Initiative Ideas: 80-71

6:55 AM EDT on October 8, 2007

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As we unveil our ideas for the Oklahoma Ideas Initiative, we close each post with the following call to action:

P.S.- Please note that unlike our Top 100 Oklahoma Embarrassments, our 100 contributions are not "ranked" in any way. And if you have any ideas that you would like to see on our list, send us an email. We may include it!

Well, this week we got a pretty cool idea emailed to us from David. The idea was cool not only because it was a good idea, but because it was already on our preliminary 100. In addition to that, David's explanation mentions one of our other preliminary ideas. So David is either good at predicting what we'll write about, or he is eerily similar to three of us.  For David's sake, lets hope that he's good at predicting.

Anyway, David's idea, along with nine others, is after the jump.

80. Cede the Panhandle to Texas.

Here's what David had to say about this brilliant, controversial idea:

"Oklahoma is far too recognizable to geography students all around the country. If we removed the panhandle, we would be just another squarish looking state like Kansas or Colorado. This would have one main advantage: students in states other than Oklahoma would have a harder time identifying the state on geography tests, while students in Oklahoma would presumably be able to pick out their home state sans-panhandle. This would increase Oklahoma's education rankings from somewhere around 45 to maybe 42 or 43. Nothing else seems to be working."

"The disadvantage to this would be the loss of the following town names: Hooker & Beaver. I see no other problems. An alternative would be to attack Texas to win the rights to their panhandle, that would just mean more toll roads for people driving to New Mexico."

Great idea and analysis, David. Plus, it segues into our next item:

79. Celebrate the Town of Hooker.

Despite the outstanding efforts of Saving Grace, most people from outside our state view us as a bunch of conservative prudes. Sometimes, I don't blame them. But one way to get rid of this "negative" stereotype is to embrace, celebrate and promote Hooker. Why has this not been done?  Think of all things"“legal and illegal"“that we could do with all this!

78. Rename UCO as the "THE Central Oklahoma University."

This is a provisional idea, and should only take place if Oklahoma State graduates are successful in getting their alma mater's name changed to "The Oklahoma State University."

77. Let the local County Assessors' plant live webcams in homes valued over $300,000.

It's time for our county assessor's to go all out, and instead of just letting us see pictures of the expensive homes that our bosses live in, let us see how they live, too. And if you are one of our bosses, don't worry, you'll enjoy the voyeuristic lifestyle.

76. Designate "The Commuter" as the official mascot of Oklahoma City Community College.

I'll admit it. I went to O-Triple-C right after high school, and it really wasn't that bad of a place. The only thing that sucked was not having a mascot to rally around. That's why I propose the Commuter as the community college's official mascot. I even made up a fight song:

"We are the commuters...of O' Triple C.
Drive Drive Day or Night. Drive Drive Fight Fight Fight.
We are the commuters of O' Triple C.
Fight!"

75. Let Wes Lane teach a female only course at Francis-Tuttle VoTech titled: "How to make pornography on your cell phone."

If you ever listen to the Sports Animal during the afternoon drive, you have probably heard the Lane Foundation commercials where Wes Lane lectures us on the evils of internet pornography.  He the tells us that kids are using cell phones to make and send their own homemade porn.  Ahh!  We, like Wes Lane, think that kids making porn is a pretty bad idea. However, grown women making and distributing pron form a cell phone is probably a good idea. And since Wes is so knowledgeable about the process, then he would probably be a great instuctor.

74. Bulldoze Crossroads Mall; replace with illegal horse track.

Since the raid at the illegal horse track in Thackerville over the summer, which resulted in like 1,000,000 arrests or something, the illegal horse racing industry in Oklahoma has hit hard times. One way to give it a boost would be to demolish Crossroads Mall and build a brand new, state-of-the-art illegal horce racing facility in it's place. This would be be beneficial in two ways. It would give the residents of South Oklahoma City a close, convenient location to watch their illegal horse racing. It would also get rid of Crossroads.

73. Grow marijuana inside the Crystal Bridge (for "medicinal" purposes).

I don't think I've ever been to the Crystal Bridge. And other than Clark Matthews, I've never heard anyone say "Hey, I think I'm going to go to the Crystal Bridge." One way to get more people to go is to allow the legal harvesting and distribution of marijuana for medicinal purposes. This would also pump more taxable revenue into downtown Oklahoma City.

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72. No Saturday weddings during September, October and November.*

How many times have you found yourself in a big fight with your wife or girlfriend because you chose an OU- Iowa State game over her friends wedding?  Or, worse yet, how many times have you found yourself at a wedding instead of that OU game? We need this law.  We need it now.

*Extends to December when OU makes the Big 12 Championship Game.

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71. Declare Patrick as the city's first ever Wet T-Shirt Contest Laureate.

Granted, this may be a selfish idea, but I'm pretty much a wet t-shirt contest expert. And not in the form of a participant, but as a judge.  I went to my first contest at Club Infinity when I was 18 years old. I can tell the difference between a wet combed cotton and carded cotton white t-shirt from a mile away. I also know how to operate a bucket, hose and spray bottle.  So if you ever need a judge for you next wet t-shirt contest, please let me know.

p.s.- I know bikinis, too. And sorry for the picture, there really isn't a SFW picture of a wet t-shirt contest.

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