When I was a famous child actor in Hollywood and would return home to Oklahoma to visit my family, I noticed that many of the trends here were things that had gone out of style months beforehand in California. It just seems like fads take a bit longer to reach our beloved state than the rest of the country.
With that in mind, one of the things I've noticed lately is that the national news has been showing a frightening amount of celebrity scandals on television, and I figure that is probably going to hit us soon. So I thought it would be a good idea (actually, Clark did, but I've stolen the idea from him) to give you loyal readers a glimpse of five scandal-ridden headlines we expect to cover in the coming months (and by "expect," I mean "hope").
Meg Alexander Shaves Head In Tatoo Parlor
It was hard to be shocked when Britney Spears got a tatoo and then shaved her own head; after all, she's certifiable. But a seemingly rational Meg Alexander suddenly losing it and doing this would be really surprising. Still, I don't think it's as outrageous as it sounds. Tatoos are now legal here, after all, and who knows, maybe working with Mike Morgan every day is enough to drive someone insane.
Jim Traber Admits Steroid, HGH Use
One of the noticeable things about the steroid scandal in Major League Baseball is that most of the hitters that have tested positive have not been overgrown sluggers breaking records, but part-time veterans trying to hang on for one last shot and fringe prospects looking to get to and stick in the big leagues. Traber fit the latter profile perfectly, and he's already admitted to using greenies during his playing days, so I'm not sure this is all that far-fetched.
Jenifer Reynolds Arrested On Suspicion Of Dogfighting
The former KWTV anchor now hosts a show called "Discover Oklahoma," which goes to small towns every week to show us some wonderful hidden spot in the state. I've got it on good authority that the real reason Reynolds quit Channel 9 was so she could focus on the dogfighting ring she runs throughout Oklahoma. The show, which provides her a chance to visit different matches each week, is the perfect cover.
Kelly Ogle Joins Church Of Scientology
There have been rumblings that Scientologists have been trying to convert a local media member, and I think Kelly Ogle is the most likely. That way, he could change his nightly feature to "My Two Thetans" and use the segment to recruit members and praise the virtues of L. Ron Hubbard.
Amy McRee Hits Rock Bottom
This would be the saddest story of them all. I envision it going something like this:
Amy McRee had everything going for her. She was attractive, smart, and anchored the top-rated newscast in Oklahoma City. The first sign of concern was small, when a picture of her and friends in a bikini was widely distributed on the internet. After that, things began to get stranger. In a December 2007 interview with TheLostOgle.com, McRee conceded that she would be willing to do a nude scene "if it was integral to the newscast." Fined and suspended by the bewildered management at KWTV, McRee's life began spiraling out of control. Rumors of heavy drinking and drug use were persistent in the local tabloids, and she was photographed sans underwear exiting a limo at the opening of a new Braum's. After a local house party, she stole Rusty Olson's SUV and was arrested for DUI and being in possession of cocaine.
I think this story would have a happy ending, though, with Amy McRee entering rehab at Clark Matthews' urging and, as thanks to him for saving her life she would start writing a weekly column for The Lost Ogle in which she gossiped about what things were really like in the Oklahoma City media.
