A Tale of Two Earthquakes

I've lived in Oklahoma my whole life. Until September of 2011, I had never experienced an Earthquake. Now it seems like they are as common as tornado warnings, wildfires and crumbling pieces of rock from the Crosstown Bridge. Hell, as you're reading this I bet Gary England is developing a little state map warning system to show in the corner of the TV whenever he thinks an earthquake is about to hit.

Since earthquakes are — or it least were — a rarity in the state, Oklahoman react to them with the same level of excitement as when they got their first car or their first hand job in a car. Seriously, it's a big deal around here.  I think the law even stipulates that after an earthquake you have to post five Facebook status updates, text friends and family to see if they felt it, or just walk outside and look around at the sky for a few second.

Anyway, I thought I'd share my experiences from the two "great" earthquakes that struck our state over the weekend. Here they are:

Earthquake One  |  Saturday Morning, 2:15am  |  Prague, OK  |  4.7 Richter Scale 

My Friday started off pretty normal. I met my friend Jessica for Mexican food at Milagros at about 8:30pm. After pigging out on average Tex-Mex and awesome cold Tecates with salt and lime for an hour or so, we decided to bar-hop along Western.

The first place we visited was the 51st Street Speakeasy. I like the Speakeasy. It's a big spacious bar with an awesome Belgian beer selection and it's usually filled with hot chicks. Plus, it's only a few miles from my house and they let us host FREE team trivia on Tuesdays.

Things were going pretty well there until we awkwardly bumped into a girl that I apparently dumped the night before via a text message. It was a hilarious "you had to be their" moment. It was also a "Hey, maybe that's a sign that we should leave and go to Edna's" moment, which is what we did.

At Edna's we stood in line...and stood in line...and stood in line...and watched a guy assemble a hot dog stand in 15 minutes. Then we left, because freezing your ass off while watching some dude serve hot dogs to drunk trust fund babies wearing dapper cardigan sweaters isn't what I'd call an enjoyable evening.

From there we ventured down to the Cock of the Walk. If you're not familiar with The Cock, it's a bearish gay bar frequented by TV news reporters. Okay, not really. It's actually the best dive in Oklahoma City. What makes it the best dive is that it has the charm of a dive bar (it's old, unkept and sometimes smells like mold) but without the uncharming regulars who frequent most dive bars. You know, people like that sad alcoholic old man who mourns his dead wife or the biker dude who works in a metal shop on South Shields.

The Cock of the Walk was fine, but after getting down there and ordering a goblet of beer, I just wasn't feeling it. I can't really pinpoint an exact reason, but I think it had somethingpoto do with the 20-pounds of chips, salsa and queso I consumed at Milagro's. Or as Molly from Harrah would put it, a "Mexi-Coma."

Anyway, after I finished my beer I decided to tab out and go home. When I walked in the door, I let the dogs in and out, hopped on the couch and put a movie on Netflix. I may have done something illegal in between all that, but I won't write about that since I don't really want to go to jail.

The next thing I remember is waking up on the couch and seeing the credits roll from the movie. I then did what you do when you wake up all disoriented on a couch at about 2:15am. I sat up, thought about where I was, and then pondered if I should fall back to sleep right there or just get up and go do the official "going to bed" routine.

Then it happened.

First, I heard a little rumble. Next I felt the house shake and heard the glasses in my cabinets rattled. Then as quickly as it all began, it all kind of stopped. The next thing I did was grab my phone and checked Twitter just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. Thankfully, I wasn't. People were already on Twitter sharing their 140-character thoughts on the earth-rattling event. I decided to get in on the action and tweet about the up-to-that-point Great Oklahoma Earthquake of 2011. Here are a few:

• RT @jiminhofe Earthquakes are nothing but a myth conjured up by 98% of the world's scientists.

• Tsunami alarms going off at Lake Hefner!

• That earthquake was almost as cool as the one they have at the Omniplex.

• USGS reporting that earthquake was caused by several large woman doing the Cha Cha Slide at a hillbilly bar outside Prague, OK.

• Remember everyone, the theory of plate tectonics is just a theory...just like evolution and global warming. God caused the damn the quake.

• The Great Oklahoma Earthquake of 2011 is the most interesting thing to happen to Prague since some idiot decided to name the town Prague.

• I kind of want to go to sleep, but I don't want to miss another earthquake or the eruption of Mt. Scott.

•  RT @Chesapeake  Don't worry. Our incessant hydrofracing of solid rock miles below the earth's surface has nothing to do with the earthquakes.

• We are encouraging everyone to wear turquoise ribbons in memory of the victims and survivors of the Oklahoma Earthquake.

• It looks like a bunch of OSU fans are drunk on moonshine and deer piss. Should be a fun night!

Okay, so that last one had nothing to do with the earthquake. It was just a factual statement about OSU fans.

Anyway, it's safe to say that the first earthquake was a good time. Then, 20 hours later, it was basically forgotten.

Earthquake One  |  Saturday Night, 10:53pm  |  Sparks, OK  |  5.6 Richter Scale

Want to hear something funny. I didn't feel the strongest Earthquake in our state's history. And it makes me so mad that I want to punch someone, preferably the guy that came up with the "Bell Dozer" nickname for Blake Bell.

Seriously, how did I miss the quake!? It wasn't like I was on an airplane or knocked out on horse tranquilizers. I was just hanging out with some friends at Hudson's on Expressway watching the two football games. Are all Henry Hudson's earthquake-proof?  Are they built on hovercrafts? Was Gary England protecting me?

If the answer to any of those questions is "Yes," then I'm even more pissed. I've only experienced two earthquakes in my life. I'm not sure if you can count the Omniplex earthquake exhibit as an earthquake, but if so, I guess that makes three.

On a positive note, though, the odds do seem likely that we'll experience another quake very soon. Hell, with the way Chesapeake is drilling we may start having them weekly.  If that's the case, let's hope for a couple of things.

1. They stay in places like Prague, and Sparks and Lindsay so that us city folk can enjoy the quakes and not be afraid of the shake, rattle and roll.

2. If one does occur in Oklahoma City, hopefully I'll be far away from Bricktown. Bricks are dangerous.